February 22nd, 2012

It's pretty sad to say that this is my first blog of the new year, 53 days in. I guess I haven't had much to say. I'm not sure that I really have anything to say right now either.

I am happy to say that on Friday I found out that my Leukemia is in remission. What a huge relief for myself and everyone who has been there for me these last few months and my whole life. I am not completely out of the woods yet. We still have 3-4 months of chemo left to make sure everything is gone but this is an amazing step forward. I feel like I can finally start to live again and make long term plans.

I had my first dream last night of the baby. I've known of his existence since October but last night was the first night I had an actual dream about him. I woke up completely confused and anxious, almost in a panic. I thought I had convinced myself that I was ready for him to be here, ready to be a Father. Maybe I'm not. I've been talking a lot more with Kristin and she always talks of the pregnancy in weeks. 25 weeks out of 40. When I actually put it in perspective and realize she is 6 months pregnant I start to freak out. I guess I didn't realize how close we are to him being here. We have finally decided on a name, we think. We have to start preparing 2 bed rooms, 2 cars and pretty much 2 of everything. I don't even know where I will be living in 3 months when the lease is up on my rental let alone what color his walls should be or if he should have a Winnie the Pooh crib set. I think throughout this whole process I did step up and put on a good face, but thats easy to do do when you have 9 months, or 40 weeks to prepare. When you have less than 3 months now or 15 weeks to go, I don't think I am ready for all this to happen.

Nick

December 17th, 2011

December always reminds me of the last chapter of a book. Only 14 days left of this year I feel like I am ready to close the book on somethings. I won't start 2012 with a completely clean slate or new outlook, if I told you I was I would be lying. There are somethings you can never completely wipe cleans or start fresh with. I'll wake up in 15 days and I'll still have cancer and my heart will still hurt and I'll wake up in 15 days knowing that I ended 2011 on a better note than 2010. I'm not perfect, I'm still growing as a man but for once I have some confidence in my self. I'm not going to sit here and say that nothing can phase me or that I don't have doubts but overall in the last few months and even more recently since that I've gained a new respect for myself. I'm starting to see my own potential, that I can be so much more than I've been told by others and myself. That my goals are reachable. I've been told that I talk about doing so much, going so many places and it's nice to think about them but they won't ever happen. That I live in this fantasy world. I now know that I can do those things.

I spent last night in the hospital with a fever that wouldn't break. I didn't mind it. I know I just talked about how I'm this confident man before but being in the hospital just brings you down. They pumped me full of fluids and I asked to be discharged. There are few things worse than spending the night in the hospital and that is something I didn't prepare myself for. I need my bedtime routine. I haven't drank in two weeks, if any of you know me at all that is a huge deal for me since I drink everyday. Can you say whipped? I know that it's not good for me but I actually enjoy the taste of alcohol. I just feel more clear I guess you could say. There is haze that has sort of been lifted from my view. I can't imagine drinking how I used to ever again. I guess I could compare it to smoking weed everyday, multiple times a day. I look back on what I was doing and both situations are down right pathetic.

I was thinking about going to work today since I missed three days from being sick from chemo. Maybe only a couple of hours since I'm still feeling sick. Thoughts? Comments? Concerns?

Always,

Nick

December 16th, 2011

When you have a lot of time on your hands its hard not to over think about things in your past. I took a drive to the beach yesterday and I sat in the my car staring at the ocean, the water was choppy and had a green tint to it and I just thought about running into it and seeing how far I could get, what would happen? I've never had that feeling. I'm not sure if it's me not responding to my last chemo treatment as well or just the feeling of being overwhelmed but I felt on edge yesterday.

I try to remove myself from situations and concentrate on my own life and where it is going but sometimes it is so hard to do that. You can't help but think about something or think back on a time and it's a nice feeling. And then you remember how everything ended and it makes you sick. Yes it has been 4 months and I have been told to get over it. But I can't. I put everything I could give into something for over a year and all it got me was lied too. I can't get over that. Maybe that is me over thinking or maybe it's just me caring still. That I actually gave a shit about someone who always made me feel like I was a failure. I constantly would devalue myself, tell her she was always right when I knew that I was. I think that I pushed myself so far down and would tell myself I didn't deserve someone so great to put up with me. I was so wrapped up in not being good enough or not worthy that I didn't realize how great I really was. How great I really am. I can get down like I did this morning and over think or I can say fuck it, you don't deserve to be happy and you may have these little glimmers of hope that things are good but you're not. Some people need to preoccupy themselves with activities or spend all their time with someone just so they don't have to take an hour or two, think about who they really are as a person and reflect. Scary isn't it? I am completely happy with who I am as a person and I need to remind myself of that more. I may be sick and going through health problems but I am still a healthier person than you. I have someone really great right now, someone I honestly never would have thought and I think that's really the best feeling. I take a step back sometimes and think about how I got to this day in my life and I wouldn't change anything. You can tell who really cares or loves you when you're at your personal worst and some people left and other people joined my fight with me. In all honesty I'm glad I got sick when I got sick. I can't imagine how bad it could have turned out if it were a few months sooner.

I think I'll close by saying if you ever really were in love with someone you never truly move on. You get by, you do what you can but you'll never love another the way you loved someone else. I think a part of me will always have love in it for someone but as the days go by and I realize who they really are as a person that piece of me that is saved for them gets smaller and smaller. That is how love works.

Now Playing: The Kooks - Seaside

December 11th, 2011

Yesterday I was so high on life and right now not so much. Don't get me wrong I love where I am in my life, who I'm with, where things are going and my career and my friends. Right now it's hitting me how sick I am. I feel like I'm at such a high point right now that it's all going to come crashing down soon. It can't stay this good. Being sick, having leukemia is a roller coaster ride of doctors appointments, hospital stays and mixed emotions. I could feel pretty decent for a few weeks and then wake up today and I can barely move and am sick to my stomach. It always seems to come on the worst days too. When I have a big meeting at work or a family party or like today I have a date tonight. All I can do is go through my routine to make myself feel better and hope this nausea goes away with time, that it is only a morning thing. I think it's a combination of a few things from the last few days, my anxiety levels have been up and down but I've gotten good at controlling them. All I'm going to say about that is I'm not going to reach out again and that it's a very sad thing because I have a lot to offer.

December 10th, 2011

Its an indescribable feeling to be at a good place in your life. It's an even better place to have gotten there without sacrificing others along the way. I know it's not a long period of time but these last 2-3 weeks I have never felt more confident. I am completely happy with the man I am. I know I touched on it in my last post but this is huge for me. I've always been in a war with myself about who I really am. I think the biggest thing for me is standing up for myself. Not letting myself get walked all over. Not just standing up for myself but doing it in a mature manner. It's one thing to kick and scream and curse and beat it into someone head that I'm right or you're wrong. But to do it in a way that is mature, cool, calm and collected is something to be proud of.

On the health front I'm doing okay for right now. I'm still having chemo at least 2 times a week and dealing with that but the steroids I'm on have helped tremendously. I'm almost at my normal weight, only 6 pounds down. That is huge for me considering in September I was down almost 30 pounds from my normal. Me being sick is the only thing I'm not confident about in my life right now. I'm still scared everyday but I've learned to keep my thoughts to myself or keep it to my very close support system. I've learned that if people want to be there for you, they will and if they don't, then it is their loss. To be there for someone during this changes you. It makes you a better person and some people aren't ready for that transition in life.

This past Monday, Kristin and myself found out the sex of the baby. Right now she is only 15 weeks and it can't be confirmed until 20 weeks but they were able to give us the great news. I think I would have been happy either way. It is such a humbling feeling to see a little heartbeat on the screen and to know that it depends on you. Its extremely scary but humbling at the same time. I've been tight lipped on the sex of the baby because my master plan is surprise my Step Mom on Christmas. If you know her, you know she would love that. We all know she deserves it.

December 8th, 2011

It's been almost 2 months since my last post. I guess you could say a lot has happened as well as nothing at all. I haven't stopped over thinking, I don't think I ever will, I just think that I'm learning how to just deal with life differently. I'm taking a new look at myself and realizing there is nothing wrong with who I am. I wake up every morning and do the best that I can every day and I know that when I lay my head down at night that I was the best person I could be that day. I didn't do anything to hurt anyone and I wasn't selfish and that I am proud of myself and my accomplishments for the day. In my almost 24 years in this world I think I feel like I am the most complete and honestly the happiest I've ever been. Absolutely there are things I question and don't understand and actually shake my head about but there is nothing I can do about it. I think I am finally starting to grasp the concept of people taking their own paths in life and seeing it practiced. And for once I am okay with it.

People do change, they make excuses for themselves and make empty apologies and I'm finally starting to get that there is nothing I can do about it. I can't save or protect everyone, I can't tell them how to live their life. I can't make someone want to be my friend or love me and really that's the most important thing I'm taking from all of this. This may sound cocky or arrogant but I, Nicholas Renna, am a great man. Not a boy, not a guy but a man. I feel like I have made that jump from being in transition in my life to truly becoming the man I've always wanted to be and the man my family has raised to be. I for once have absolute confidence in myself and that comes from me and not someone boosting my ego with superficial sayings and someone else's lust.

I'm not saying that I am perfect, I'm far from it but I try not to let my short comings define me to myself or others. I have extreme trust issues. Looking back on the past year and a half of my life I feel like I was being lied too. It's hard to really believe what someone tells you when you in all actuality have no idea if they were telling the truth. Having someone tell you they love you and then being with someone else at the same time really makes you doubt everything they have ever said to you, even if at some point they really did mean it. I am told I need to let it go and get over it but I don't think it is something to get over. I just think it's something you learn to deal with and try not to bring into new relationships. I have always trusted people without question and to lose my trust you need to do something to have lost it. All I wanted to do was throw up these sky high walls and not let anyone in but that's not who I am. I can't let someone new in my life suffer for the actions of someone immature and selfish. That would make me selfish. All I can really do now is be who I really am and not try to be someone I'm not. I never have changed myself for someone else and I hopefully never will. You can't be a new season with every new person you're with. You're not being true to yourself and that is probably the worst thing you can do.

October 11th, 2011

I'm sitting at my computer for the first time in what seems forever, lightly sipping on a strawberry lemonade Powerade and a song I wrote a few months ago is softy streaming in the background. I appreciate what I have for the first time in a long time. I appreciate the fact that I'm feeling "okay" enough to sit up for what probably will only be a few minutes. I appreciate that I have a nurse who actually cares, yes it is her job and my medical insurance is paying for her services but I can tell she really cares about me. She is here 6 days a week for 3-4 hours and on her one day away from me she still calls to see if I need anything. That is a women who may not like her job, but cares about the people who she comes in contact with.

At times in life we sort of forget where we come from, who we care about and who cares about us. I am not a perfect man, I am not taking this sickness in stride. I have my strong days and not so strong ones but I appreciate my support system. I've always tried to almost live my life by a quote from Perks of Being A Wallflower but I'm starting to notice that might not always be true. I may have it worse than someone, I may have it better, but it doesn't change how I'm feeling. I think what I'm trying to get as is that it is very frustrating to feel this way everyday, that this has now become my life, and everyone's life still goes on. This truly only affects me on a daily basis. My sister is still going to wake up everyday, do her hair and go to school. She may call to see how I am, and I love it, but her world doesn't stop for me. And I guess I understand that.


"Not everyone has a sob story, Charlie, and even if they do, it's no excuse"

October 7th, 2011

I’m not sure I can handle another week. The roller coaster ride continues. Sometimes you are slowly climbing up with a pretty good view of everything around you. Things seem under control and manageable. But you know that a drop may be just over the horizon or just around the turn. I'm not a big fan of roller coasters and on the rare occasion when I have ridden one, I hold on tight and try to focus on what's ahead. It's been that type of week with this "nasty little disease." I'm holding on tight and trying to stay focused

September 21st, 2011

I was just under 2 years out of the woods but now I'm back in the woods. When I found out my immediate reaction was "really?...again" and I thought how am I going to tell My Dad and the Kath and my close inner circle. Since that day about 5 weeks ago I've only told one person out right and I indirectly said it to another. It's really no ones business and I did it on my own 2 years ago and I can do it alone now. Sure I still have my pity parties, everyone does, and if they tell you they don't they are a fucking liar. It's human nature to feel bad for yourself. I'm going to put on a big boy front, continue my life with this one added little bonus I guess you could say and work through it. I've been through a lot in my 23 years on this earth and this is just a hiccup.

Nick.

September 20th, 2011 - 2

I feel like my last few entries have been well thought out and well put and this one won't be. So i apologize to anyone who reads this in advance.

I feel like what's the point. One person in my life has understood me to my core and got me as a person and they gave up on me. Why should I even try? I know I sound like a little baby but I'm having an emotional day. It sucks to know you're the cause of someones pain and heartache. I could have fixed it all. Made everything perfect. It looks like I did nothing but I tried everyday. Everyday. This is the first time in a very long time where I haven't tried, because well what's the point. To prove it to myself? That doesn't matter. It's like look Nick, you did it , 3 weeks too late. Congratulations on being too late. You went from having someone who loved you and got you to someone who if you died tomorrow would even care enough to give it a thought throughout the day.

September 20th, 2011

"A man must go forth from where he stands. He cannot jump to the absolute, he must evolve toward it. Krishna says at any given moment in time we are what we are. Arjuna, we have to accept the consequences of being ourselves and only through this acceptance can we begin to evolve further. We may select the battleground, but we cannot avoid the battle."

Bela Fleck and the Flecktones - Sojourn of Arjuna

September 19th, 2011

It seems so simple and obvious: stop giving power to my fears and stop fretting over potential and just live in and enjoy what actually is and build myself up. It’s also very easy for me to just say “I have absolutely no idea how to do that.” But is that a legitimate qualm or just another in a long line of excuses used to accommodate my anxiety? Is that something you can actually know how to do or do you just…do it?

Nicholas

September 18th 2011

I suffer from some pretty severe anxiety issues. I say severe not necessarily in terms of intensity of said anxiety, I wouldn’t even know how to gauge that, but rather in terms of how much it impacts (or I let it impact) my life (I am even stopping after every couple of words and just staring at the screen, because the thought of putting this out there for people to see is just…yeah…but I know this is something I need to do). On some level it is always just looming overhead, and it really has a tendency to make its presence known more fully in the least opportune and least desirable moments, which of course then in turn only causes it to grow and before long I am just trapped in a nifty little downward spiral.

I get told the same thing over and over: I need to recognize my inherent value, my self-worth. Anxiety is a response to the future, a fear of the potential, so they say to recognize that the things we have anxiety over aren’t going to change who we are; we remain fundamentally the same person and that is something to be proud of. Now my problem is that I just feel like that’s a load of crap. The things I have anxiety over (including anxiety itself) can change us, they can define us, but I see where they are going. It’s an attempt to undermine the value we give into our fears, to make them less daunting, and to put the value back into ourselves. But as hard as I try, I can’t seem to do that. My actions and my anxieties have consequences, maybe not as dire as they are in my head, but they do, and I don’t know how to take that power away from them. I don’t know why this is, if it’s because of how pathetic I see myself as sometimes (which is largely influenced by my sense of my anxiety), if it is because I am too fixated on this and overcoming it, if there is something truly wrong with the actual physical make up of my brain, or for some other reason that I am not taking the time to list out here or hasn’t occurred to me.

And part of me just wants to get it over with, end all of this shit, tell the truth, but no one would understand. I want to just get out and go, just be alone, call them up and tell them the whole truth, tell them everything. But I can’t, because the truth changes people and the way they look at you. And I can’t do that to them even though what's going on only effects my life. I won’t. I doubt they’d believe me anyway.

September 17th, 2011

I already updated today but I felt the need to get something partially off my chest. You have your own ideas about why I'm the way I am. Most people do. I never truly open up to everyone. I tell you 99% of my day but never the full thing. Shady? Probably. It scares me to fully tell you what's going on. And to verify it's not what you think it is. I get lost inside my own head and anxiousness and being afraid. Afraid to say whats really going on, afraid to open myself up to this again. That I try to ignore it like its not really happening again. I thought this part of my life was over with. I thought that I had beaten the beast but in reality two beasts are beating me. I'm losing one battle with anxiety and starting a new one with an old "friend". Truth is, I haven't told anyone. I wouldn't know how to handle your reaction. Good, bad, indifferent. It's not an easy thing to do. I don't know if I would be able to handle other peoples reactions as well. All I can say is that I'm sorry for not being forthcoming.

Truths & Insecurities - 2 Years Later

In late September 2009 I made a post about all my truths and insecurities. I figured I would do the same today.

- I still buy expensive things to over compensate for where I lack in personality
- My head tells me one things and my heart another. I should know better but I still go with my heart
- I blame myself for everything that goes wrong in my life
- I am still as insecure as ever
- I feel like I have no friends. No one to go to when I need too
- I drink way too much for a diabetic
- I get in my own way of being truly happy
- I hurt someone more than I could ever imagine
- I lost the best friend someone could ever have because of my insecurities
- I'm selfish in not letting you go but I just can't
- I feel the need to let people know that I'm having a good time even when I'm not

September 15th, 2011

My brain tells me one thing, I do another. My heart tells me another thing and I do the opposite. I can't seem to get all my working parts in sync. She's been ignoring you, she doesn't care about you and what do I do? I call her. How stupid am I. She she still wanted you Nick she would stay. My brain knows this, my heart when it's tired still gives in and I become an even more pathetic human being. I come off as the most pathetic and desperate person. I try to portray myself as this cool, calm and collected individual but I'm a pathetic mess. I've been going to work everyday, not taking vacation days or PDOs and actually getting work done and interacting with my co workers. I've been going to class and getting my work done. I haven't made that step in being an active participant in class yet but in due time that will eventually happen.

It's a pretty shitty feeling knowing that you had someone great and the only thing not making it work is yourself. Your insecurities and short comings. I say "I" a lot in here because it's always about how I'm feeling. But I can't even being to imagine how she was feeling. Someone who you connect with on so many levels and truly gets you down to your deepest insecurities and still loves you regardless, but they do absolutely nothing to be there for you. They say they love you 100 times a day but they are still lacking in the biggest area. That must be such a terrible way to feel everyday. Sure we were happy on the surface and made each other laugh but when it goes down to your core you must say "what's wrong with me". And the only thing I can say to that now is nothing. There was/is nothing wrong with you. I couldn't ask for someone more perfect and understanding. But I do understand everyone has their breaking point. I just wish that I had reached my breaking point and actually made a difference in all of this.

September 14th, 2011

So school was definitely a big mistake. I am not ready to take 4 classes as well as work a full time job and a part time one. As of right now I only have Sunday afternoons to myself. I'm only a week into this type of scheduling and it's not going too well. I'm always tired and I have no me time. My anxiety has been through the roof since last night and I'm surprised I even got out of bed and made it to work today. I had a 3 page paper to write last night for class and I am not happy with it at all. Not being in school for long has left me in the dark when it comes to actual writing. It looks like a 7th grader wrote it. A very dumb 7th grader. I know it's cliche but all I want to do is lay in bed with the covers pulled over my head with the lights off and the air conditioning on. I guess the only good thing about class and work is the fact that I'm not alone with my thoughts all day. It would eat me alive. By no means am I doing "well". I struggle everyday but class and work just keep my mind off of it. Times like this you usually turn to your best friend to get you through it. But when they are both the same person you have no one. I've reached out to a few doctors but with my schedule it's tough to commit to any day or time period. I only have a 4 hour gap from when I leave work and the start of class, with an hour commute.

Music is supposed to help but it doesn't. Everything makes me think of what was and what could have been. I know that it was all my fault that it didn't happen and that it fell apart. I think that's what it makes it hurt even more. Knowing I could have made it all perfect. I don't like how I am, I'm pretty sure no one does. I'm trying to fix myself.

September 12th, 2011

I think it's time I pick up Perks of Being a Wallflower again. It is by far my favorite book and I know it's so cliche but it has gotten me through a lot since the first time I picked it up.

I probably come off like an asshole on these entries, everything is "I...I...I". Truth is I don't know how else to explain myself. I know I'm not the only one effected by my actions. So lets try it this way. I am an asshole, I am selfish, I let stupid little things get in my way, I can't come up big and push through all my self doubts and insecurities.

September 11th, 2011

"Shattered looks in each direction all seem to come to me."

I don't really understand the concept of time and how it relates to moods and feelings. Last night I went out all night and got home at 4am. I slept for a little while and then headed out to be with my StepDad and siblings. We had a nice lunch and I finally got to have a good talk with my Dad about how we both feel towards each other. He raised me since I was 3 years old and these past few years we have grown apart. We are both stubborn so taking the first step in reconciling is difficult for both of us. Neither of us wants to admit that we were wrong. I got home from lunch and took a much needed nap and since then I've been in a funk all day. I don't know where I am going in my life. I am lonely. I added another class to my school schedule so that I can further my life but I feel like its only going to add trouble and anxiety to my days. I'll be 24 in February and I still don't have a bachelor's degree. I know that everyone takes there own path and there is nothing wrong with not being in school. I didn't go to school for almost 2 years, but I know that I need it to better my life. I just don't want to be 30 and still living with my high school buddies with no future.

I let things eat at me on the inside. This usually leads to writing a lot but I don't even want to do that. I can't even really relate to music anymore. Everything brings up a memory or a feeling. I've haven't felt like this in so long, since my Mom passed. And not to keep trying to put these two situations in the same boat, they are not the same, they will never have the same impact on me but I feel the same loneliness. No where to turn.

September 10th, 2011

I'm really terrible about starting these things off. I always have a lengthy list of things to say but I never know how to get the ball rolling. I guess you could say that the days I have a million things to do are better days than days like today. I have work for a few hours and then that's it. Yesterday I worked all day and was busy so I guess it wasn't as bad. I hate thinking sometimes. I mean it's good to think and feel, to know you're alive but sometimes I would rather feel nothing. I'm having the same feelings as I did after my Mom passed. Not that this will ever ever relate to that or even come close but the feelings of what do I do now? Where does my life go from here? I've never been one to move on quickly, I can't.

I haven't been writing much. I don't feel the point. It will never turn into what I want it too. I thought I was doing better at holding in my emotions and not unraveling like I used too. I guess I have more work to do than I thought. I haven't come as far as I thought I did. I try to tell myself I'm this great guy, that anyone would be lucky to have me. I pump out my chest and parade around my house like I'm the greatest thing in the world. But as soon as I step out my front door I lose all that confidence. I'm not great, I'm just a scared, pathetic excuse for a man who will never really be this great guy that I want to be.