milwaukee burlaps

someone take me away from here :)

silver & gold

"Don't gain the world and lose your soul, wisdom is better than silver and gold"

2009 favorite albums

Brand New - "Daisy" standout songs: Vices & You Stole
John Mayer - "Battle Studies" standout song: Friends, Lovers or Nothing
Phoenix - "Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix" standout songs: 1901 & Armistance
Manchester Orchestra - "Mean Everything to Nothing" standout song: Shake it Out

anywhere but here

i am almost a week removed from my transplant and i am definitely feeling the effects of it. i get the chills out of nowhere, i am nauseous all the time, i have trouble breathing while i sleep and i'm depressed. i feel very lonely. i feel hopeful but it doesn't change my day to day feelings. maybe my dad will come during the weekend. he hasn't came to visit yet but i'm hopeful i suppose. adam is coming today to give me more tapes for the video camera so i can continue filming on my own. then he is heading to hazlet to interview vin for his part. i hung 2 posters last night to make it seem more like home but it doesn't even come close. i can't wait to be home.


nick

write your story now

i am almost 24 hours removed from my transplant and i can't find the words to describe of how i am feeling. i guess relieved is one word but i know i have a long fight still left and it gets me down. i knew i would be here for at least 6 weeks but now that i'm here i feel like it will be an eternity. i've done hospital stays of a month before and i banged it out with no problem but i guess now that i'm, here i need to leave. i miss people but i don't want a stream of visitors you know? my dad's fiancee came last night for a half hours and then visitor hours ended. she bought me a phone cover for my blackberry which was rad and a chocolate malt, which i in turn drank way to fast and puked up as soon as she left. i am so bored all day. i need to rest and i'm exhausted but i can't sleep. i miss my bed at home. i just want this chapter in my life to be over with. i guess i'll try to update later today or tomorrow.

nick
kevin devine - just stay

"if only duct tape could fix everything"

well tomorrow is the big day. my bone marrow transplant. it is really starting to hit me right now. all this pain and hard work that has gone into this process is all for tomorrow. tomorrow can change my life forever. i feel like its the end of my senior season of baseball and tomorrows states. my team (me, my doctors, family) put in all this hard work for a season and now tomorrow will make or break it. will it be worth it? will it take? i hope because i can't handle doing this again. i feel like i'll be doing a lot of reflecting today and hopefully it will all go well. i will post an update as soon as possible. thank you for all your thoughts and prayers


love,
nick

.swim.

i used to take so many pictures of myself in my room at random times to capture those moments where i felt invincible or infinite. i don't wanna come off as bitchy or complaining. i don't wanna come off as being sad or not strong. but sometimes i can't be everything everyone wants me to be. i can't always be strong or brave or courageous. i can't be perfect. i've been trying to find words to describe how i'm feeling as my transplant date nears but i all i can come up with is one. scared. i am scared. is my life worth $100,000? i want to be this strong guy that everyone can lean on and hold faith in me but sometimes i just can't. i can try to put on a brave face but inside i'm screaming for someone to help me and take my pain away for once. i don't know, maybe i'm just being a baby


nick

until we disappear

a photo from one of my last days home. happy right?
i feel like im a ghost.
a shell of my old self.
im only one full day in and im exhausted





brand new - play crack the sky
you know that you are not alone
i need you like water in my lungs