January 1st, 2011

When I start these blogs, I sit here with the blank template for a few minutes because I really don't know what to say so here it goes.

Today was pretty rough and it's still not over. Something really beautiful ended early this morning and it has been 18 hours and 10 minutes since I have heard her voice. I feel like I have rusty pipes in my stomach grinding against each other. It's all my own doing which makes it hurt even more. I could have stopped this and I wouldn't let myself. I just want to sit on my bed with my hood over my head to hide the emotions of the day. It's only 8:30 pm and I need to go to sleep but sleep won't come, that I know for sure. So I guess I'll find a way to occupy my time without you and get through each day. Will it get easier? Probably, everything gets easier with time but right now this is the hardest.

To add salt to the wounds of this morning my Stepfather was remarried today. I lost my beautiful Mother 4 years ago come March and her husband, the man who raised me, got married this morning. I never planned on going but for the 2 hours I spent sleeping last night I dreamt of my Mother like I often do and waking up this morning I felt like I had no choice but to go. Not to support him and his new marriage but to be there for my sister and brothers. Of course my sister was ecstatic at the fact of a wedding but she is too young to really understand what happened. My brothers were happy to see me, it's been a long time since I've seen them. I sat in Church at watched someone who I call my Father make a pact, the same pact he made to my Mother, to this women and it hurt. It's like he said it so easily, like he had never said it before. I don't know maybe I am being selfish and unreasonable but I am biased in my opinion. The reception was nice of course, well paid for and I sat there and sipped on my drink all afternoon and looked at the empty seat next to me. Mr. Nicholas Renna and guest. No guest, just me and my lonely self. This of course is my own doing as well.

Tomorrow is a new day, hopefully these rusty pipes in my stomach grind a little bit less then.


Sincerely,
Nicholas.