My brain tells me one thing, I do another. My heart tells me another thing and I do the opposite. I can't seem to get all my working parts in sync. She's been ignoring you, she doesn't care about you and what do I do? I call her. How stupid am I. She she still wanted you Nick she would stay. My brain knows this, my heart when it's tired still gives in and I become an even more pathetic human being. I come off as the most pathetic and desperate person. I try to portray myself as this cool, calm and collected individual but I'm a pathetic mess. I've been going to work everyday, not taking vacation days or PDOs and actually getting work done and interacting with my co workers. I've been going to class and getting my work done. I haven't made that step in being an active participant in class yet but in due time that will eventually happen.
It's a pretty shitty feeling knowing that you had someone great and the only thing not making it work is yourself. Your insecurities and short comings. I say "I" a lot in here because it's always about how I'm feeling. But I can't even being to imagine how she was feeling. Someone who you connect with on so many levels and truly gets you down to your deepest insecurities and still loves you regardless, but they do absolutely nothing to be there for you. They say they love you 100 times a day but they are still lacking in the biggest area. That must be such a terrible way to feel everyday. Sure we were happy on the surface and made each other laugh but when it goes down to your core you must say "what's wrong with me". And the only thing I can say to that now is nothing. There was/is nothing wrong with you. I couldn't ask for someone more perfect and understanding. But I do understand everyone has their breaking point. I just wish that I had reached my breaking point and actually made a difference in all of this.
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