I guess it's a trend me not updating this for long periods of time. I don't think anyone reads this but sometimes I need to say stuff I can't tell anyone else.
I wake up from having this such lucid dreams where I am able to come through and make it. It's so vivid and emotional and for lack of a better word, perfect. Then I wake up and realize it's not real. That I'm still alone, she's still alone and I lost my best friend. It makes me feel even more anxious thinking about losing the one person who really does get you. I feel like that is a once in a lifetime thing and for me that experience has come and gone. It's only gone because of my own doing or not doing, however you want to look at it. It's like a vicious cycle of self pity and self loathing. I get pretty close and have my days where I can do it but then I psych myself out. Does she even want me there? Would me being there make it worse? I try to think that if I was there it would all work out, she would wrap her arms around me after giving me a dirty look and everything will be okay. But then reality hits and it will probably be an awkward exchange of half smiles and we both realize it's too late and I should just leave. I don't think I will ever stop trying because there is always that possibility of the first scenario. I hold out hope for that.
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