December 16th, 2011

When you have a lot of time on your hands its hard not to over think about things in your past. I took a drive to the beach yesterday and I sat in the my car staring at the ocean, the water was choppy and had a green tint to it and I just thought about running into it and seeing how far I could get, what would happen? I've never had that feeling. I'm not sure if it's me not responding to my last chemo treatment as well or just the feeling of being overwhelmed but I felt on edge yesterday.

I try to remove myself from situations and concentrate on my own life and where it is going but sometimes it is so hard to do that. You can't help but think about something or think back on a time and it's a nice feeling. And then you remember how everything ended and it makes you sick. Yes it has been 4 months and I have been told to get over it. But I can't. I put everything I could give into something for over a year and all it got me was lied too. I can't get over that. Maybe that is me over thinking or maybe it's just me caring still. That I actually gave a shit about someone who always made me feel like I was a failure. I constantly would devalue myself, tell her she was always right when I knew that I was. I think that I pushed myself so far down and would tell myself I didn't deserve someone so great to put up with me. I was so wrapped up in not being good enough or not worthy that I didn't realize how great I really was. How great I really am. I can get down like I did this morning and over think or I can say fuck it, you don't deserve to be happy and you may have these little glimmers of hope that things are good but you're not. Some people need to preoccupy themselves with activities or spend all their time with someone just so they don't have to take an hour or two, think about who they really are as a person and reflect. Scary isn't it? I am completely happy with who I am as a person and I need to remind myself of that more. I may be sick and going through health problems but I am still a healthier person than you. I have someone really great right now, someone I honestly never would have thought and I think that's really the best feeling. I take a step back sometimes and think about how I got to this day in my life and I wouldn't change anything. You can tell who really cares or loves you when you're at your personal worst and some people left and other people joined my fight with me. In all honesty I'm glad I got sick when I got sick. I can't imagine how bad it could have turned out if it were a few months sooner.

I think I'll close by saying if you ever really were in love with someone you never truly move on. You get by, you do what you can but you'll never love another the way you loved someone else. I think a part of me will always have love in it for someone but as the days go by and I realize who they really are as a person that piece of me that is saved for them gets smaller and smaller. That is how love works.

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