December 17th, 2011

December always reminds me of the last chapter of a book. Only 14 days left of this year I feel like I am ready to close the book on somethings. I won't start 2012 with a completely clean slate or new outlook, if I told you I was I would be lying. There are somethings you can never completely wipe cleans or start fresh with. I'll wake up in 15 days and I'll still have cancer and my heart will still hurt and I'll wake up in 15 days knowing that I ended 2011 on a better note than 2010. I'm not perfect, I'm still growing as a man but for once I have some confidence in my self. I'm not going to sit here and say that nothing can phase me or that I don't have doubts but overall in the last few months and even more recently since that I've gained a new respect for myself. I'm starting to see my own potential, that I can be so much more than I've been told by others and myself. That my goals are reachable. I've been told that I talk about doing so much, going so many places and it's nice to think about them but they won't ever happen. That I live in this fantasy world. I now know that I can do those things.

I spent last night in the hospital with a fever that wouldn't break. I didn't mind it. I know I just talked about how I'm this confident man before but being in the hospital just brings you down. They pumped me full of fluids and I asked to be discharged. There are few things worse than spending the night in the hospital and that is something I didn't prepare myself for. I need my bedtime routine. I haven't drank in two weeks, if any of you know me at all that is a huge deal for me since I drink everyday. Can you say whipped? I know that it's not good for me but I actually enjoy the taste of alcohol. I just feel more clear I guess you could say. There is haze that has sort of been lifted from my view. I can't imagine drinking how I used to ever again. I guess I could compare it to smoking weed everyday, multiple times a day. I look back on what I was doing and both situations are down right pathetic.

I was thinking about going to work today since I missed three days from being sick from chemo. Maybe only a couple of hours since I'm still feeling sick. Thoughts? Comments? Concerns?

Always,

Nick