December 8th, 2011

It's been almost 2 months since my last post. I guess you could say a lot has happened as well as nothing at all. I haven't stopped over thinking, I don't think I ever will, I just think that I'm learning how to just deal with life differently. I'm taking a new look at myself and realizing there is nothing wrong with who I am. I wake up every morning and do the best that I can every day and I know that when I lay my head down at night that I was the best person I could be that day. I didn't do anything to hurt anyone and I wasn't selfish and that I am proud of myself and my accomplishments for the day. In my almost 24 years in this world I think I feel like I am the most complete and honestly the happiest I've ever been. Absolutely there are things I question and don't understand and actually shake my head about but there is nothing I can do about it. I think I am finally starting to grasp the concept of people taking their own paths in life and seeing it practiced. And for once I am okay with it.

People do change, they make excuses for themselves and make empty apologies and I'm finally starting to get that there is nothing I can do about it. I can't save or protect everyone, I can't tell them how to live their life. I can't make someone want to be my friend or love me and really that's the most important thing I'm taking from all of this. This may sound cocky or arrogant but I, Nicholas Renna, am a great man. Not a boy, not a guy but a man. I feel like I have made that jump from being in transition in my life to truly becoming the man I've always wanted to be and the man my family has raised to be. I for once have absolute confidence in myself and that comes from me and not someone boosting my ego with superficial sayings and someone else's lust.

I'm not saying that I am perfect, I'm far from it but I try not to let my short comings define me to myself or others. I have extreme trust issues. Looking back on the past year and a half of my life I feel like I was being lied too. It's hard to really believe what someone tells you when you in all actuality have no idea if they were telling the truth. Having someone tell you they love you and then being with someone else at the same time really makes you doubt everything they have ever said to you, even if at some point they really did mean it. I am told I need to let it go and get over it but I don't think it is something to get over. I just think it's something you learn to deal with and try not to bring into new relationships. I have always trusted people without question and to lose my trust you need to do something to have lost it. All I wanted to do was throw up these sky high walls and not let anyone in but that's not who I am. I can't let someone new in my life suffer for the actions of someone immature and selfish. That would make me selfish. All I can really do now is be who I really am and not try to be someone I'm not. I never have changed myself for someone else and I hopefully never will. You can't be a new season with every new person you're with. You're not being true to yourself and that is probably the worst thing you can do.