December 17th, 2011

December always reminds me of the last chapter of a book. Only 14 days left of this year I feel like I am ready to close the book on somethings. I won't start 2012 with a completely clean slate or new outlook, if I told you I was I would be lying. There are somethings you can never completely wipe cleans or start fresh with. I'll wake up in 15 days and I'll still have cancer and my heart will still hurt and I'll wake up in 15 days knowing that I ended 2011 on a better note than 2010. I'm not perfect, I'm still growing as a man but for once I have some confidence in my self. I'm not going to sit here and say that nothing can phase me or that I don't have doubts but overall in the last few months and even more recently since that I've gained a new respect for myself. I'm starting to see my own potential, that I can be so much more than I've been told by others and myself. That my goals are reachable. I've been told that I talk about doing so much, going so many places and it's nice to think about them but they won't ever happen. That I live in this fantasy world. I now know that I can do those things.

I spent last night in the hospital with a fever that wouldn't break. I didn't mind it. I know I just talked about how I'm this confident man before but being in the hospital just brings you down. They pumped me full of fluids and I asked to be discharged. There are few things worse than spending the night in the hospital and that is something I didn't prepare myself for. I need my bedtime routine. I haven't drank in two weeks, if any of you know me at all that is a huge deal for me since I drink everyday. Can you say whipped? I know that it's not good for me but I actually enjoy the taste of alcohol. I just feel more clear I guess you could say. There is haze that has sort of been lifted from my view. I can't imagine drinking how I used to ever again. I guess I could compare it to smoking weed everyday, multiple times a day. I look back on what I was doing and both situations are down right pathetic.

I was thinking about going to work today since I missed three days from being sick from chemo. Maybe only a couple of hours since I'm still feeling sick. Thoughts? Comments? Concerns?

Always,

Nick

December 16th, 2011

When you have a lot of time on your hands its hard not to over think about things in your past. I took a drive to the beach yesterday and I sat in the my car staring at the ocean, the water was choppy and had a green tint to it and I just thought about running into it and seeing how far I could get, what would happen? I've never had that feeling. I'm not sure if it's me not responding to my last chemo treatment as well or just the feeling of being overwhelmed but I felt on edge yesterday.

I try to remove myself from situations and concentrate on my own life and where it is going but sometimes it is so hard to do that. You can't help but think about something or think back on a time and it's a nice feeling. And then you remember how everything ended and it makes you sick. Yes it has been 4 months and I have been told to get over it. But I can't. I put everything I could give into something for over a year and all it got me was lied too. I can't get over that. Maybe that is me over thinking or maybe it's just me caring still. That I actually gave a shit about someone who always made me feel like I was a failure. I constantly would devalue myself, tell her she was always right when I knew that I was. I think that I pushed myself so far down and would tell myself I didn't deserve someone so great to put up with me. I was so wrapped up in not being good enough or not worthy that I didn't realize how great I really was. How great I really am. I can get down like I did this morning and over think or I can say fuck it, you don't deserve to be happy and you may have these little glimmers of hope that things are good but you're not. Some people need to preoccupy themselves with activities or spend all their time with someone just so they don't have to take an hour or two, think about who they really are as a person and reflect. Scary isn't it? I am completely happy with who I am as a person and I need to remind myself of that more. I may be sick and going through health problems but I am still a healthier person than you. I have someone really great right now, someone I honestly never would have thought and I think that's really the best feeling. I take a step back sometimes and think about how I got to this day in my life and I wouldn't change anything. You can tell who really cares or loves you when you're at your personal worst and some people left and other people joined my fight with me. In all honesty I'm glad I got sick when I got sick. I can't imagine how bad it could have turned out if it were a few months sooner.

I think I'll close by saying if you ever really were in love with someone you never truly move on. You get by, you do what you can but you'll never love another the way you loved someone else. I think a part of me will always have love in it for someone but as the days go by and I realize who they really are as a person that piece of me that is saved for them gets smaller and smaller. That is how love works.

Now Playing: The Kooks - Seaside

December 11th, 2011

Yesterday I was so high on life and right now not so much. Don't get me wrong I love where I am in my life, who I'm with, where things are going and my career and my friends. Right now it's hitting me how sick I am. I feel like I'm at such a high point right now that it's all going to come crashing down soon. It can't stay this good. Being sick, having leukemia is a roller coaster ride of doctors appointments, hospital stays and mixed emotions. I could feel pretty decent for a few weeks and then wake up today and I can barely move and am sick to my stomach. It always seems to come on the worst days too. When I have a big meeting at work or a family party or like today I have a date tonight. All I can do is go through my routine to make myself feel better and hope this nausea goes away with time, that it is only a morning thing. I think it's a combination of a few things from the last few days, my anxiety levels have been up and down but I've gotten good at controlling them. All I'm going to say about that is I'm not going to reach out again and that it's a very sad thing because I have a lot to offer.

December 10th, 2011

Its an indescribable feeling to be at a good place in your life. It's an even better place to have gotten there without sacrificing others along the way. I know it's not a long period of time but these last 2-3 weeks I have never felt more confident. I am completely happy with the man I am. I know I touched on it in my last post but this is huge for me. I've always been in a war with myself about who I really am. I think the biggest thing for me is standing up for myself. Not letting myself get walked all over. Not just standing up for myself but doing it in a mature manner. It's one thing to kick and scream and curse and beat it into someone head that I'm right or you're wrong. But to do it in a way that is mature, cool, calm and collected is something to be proud of.

On the health front I'm doing okay for right now. I'm still having chemo at least 2 times a week and dealing with that but the steroids I'm on have helped tremendously. I'm almost at my normal weight, only 6 pounds down. That is huge for me considering in September I was down almost 30 pounds from my normal. Me being sick is the only thing I'm not confident about in my life right now. I'm still scared everyday but I've learned to keep my thoughts to myself or keep it to my very close support system. I've learned that if people want to be there for you, they will and if they don't, then it is their loss. To be there for someone during this changes you. It makes you a better person and some people aren't ready for that transition in life.

This past Monday, Kristin and myself found out the sex of the baby. Right now she is only 15 weeks and it can't be confirmed until 20 weeks but they were able to give us the great news. I think I would have been happy either way. It is such a humbling feeling to see a little heartbeat on the screen and to know that it depends on you. Its extremely scary but humbling at the same time. I've been tight lipped on the sex of the baby because my master plan is surprise my Step Mom on Christmas. If you know her, you know she would love that. We all know she deserves it.

December 8th, 2011

It's been almost 2 months since my last post. I guess you could say a lot has happened as well as nothing at all. I haven't stopped over thinking, I don't think I ever will, I just think that I'm learning how to just deal with life differently. I'm taking a new look at myself and realizing there is nothing wrong with who I am. I wake up every morning and do the best that I can every day and I know that when I lay my head down at night that I was the best person I could be that day. I didn't do anything to hurt anyone and I wasn't selfish and that I am proud of myself and my accomplishments for the day. In my almost 24 years in this world I think I feel like I am the most complete and honestly the happiest I've ever been. Absolutely there are things I question and don't understand and actually shake my head about but there is nothing I can do about it. I think I am finally starting to grasp the concept of people taking their own paths in life and seeing it practiced. And for once I am okay with it.

People do change, they make excuses for themselves and make empty apologies and I'm finally starting to get that there is nothing I can do about it. I can't save or protect everyone, I can't tell them how to live their life. I can't make someone want to be my friend or love me and really that's the most important thing I'm taking from all of this. This may sound cocky or arrogant but I, Nicholas Renna, am a great man. Not a boy, not a guy but a man. I feel like I have made that jump from being in transition in my life to truly becoming the man I've always wanted to be and the man my family has raised to be. I for once have absolute confidence in myself and that comes from me and not someone boosting my ego with superficial sayings and someone else's lust.

I'm not saying that I am perfect, I'm far from it but I try not to let my short comings define me to myself or others. I have extreme trust issues. Looking back on the past year and a half of my life I feel like I was being lied too. It's hard to really believe what someone tells you when you in all actuality have no idea if they were telling the truth. Having someone tell you they love you and then being with someone else at the same time really makes you doubt everything they have ever said to you, even if at some point they really did mean it. I am told I need to let it go and get over it but I don't think it is something to get over. I just think it's something you learn to deal with and try not to bring into new relationships. I have always trusted people without question and to lose my trust you need to do something to have lost it. All I wanted to do was throw up these sky high walls and not let anyone in but that's not who I am. I can't let someone new in my life suffer for the actions of someone immature and selfish. That would make me selfish. All I can really do now is be who I really am and not try to be someone I'm not. I never have changed myself for someone else and I hopefully never will. You can't be a new season with every new person you're with. You're not being true to yourself and that is probably the worst thing you can do.