Nick Is...

February 22nd, 2012

2012-02-22T10:45:00.002-05:00

It's pretty sad to say that this is my first blog of the new year, 53 days in. I guess I haven't had much to say. I'm not sure that I really have anything to say right now either.

I am happy to say that on Friday I found out that my Leukemia is in remission. What a huge relief for myself and everyone who has been there for me these last few months and my whole life. I am not completely out of the woods yet. We still have 3-4 months of chemo left to make sure everything is gone but this is an amazing step forward. I feel like I can finally start to live again and make long term plans.

I had my first dream last night of the baby. I've known of his existence since October but last night was the first night I had an actual dream about him. I woke up completely confused and anxious, almost in a panic. I thought I had convinced myself that I was ready for him to be here, ready to be a Father. Maybe I'm not. I've been talking a lot more with Kristin and she always talks of the pregnancy in weeks. 25 weeks out of 40. When I actually put it in perspective and realize she is 6 months pregnant I start to freak out. I guess I didn't realize how close we are to him being here. We have finally decided on a name, we think. We have to start preparing 2 bed rooms, 2 cars and pretty much 2 of everything. I don't even know where I will be living in 3 months when the lease is up on my rental let alone what color his walls should be or if he should have a Winnie the Pooh crib set. I think throughout this whole process I did step up and put on a good face, but thats easy to do do when you have 9 months, or 40 weeks to prepare. When you have less than 3 months now or 15 weeks to go, I don't think I am ready for all this to happen.

Nick

December 17th, 2011

2011-12-17T10:16:00.002-05:00

December always reminds me of the last chapter of a book. Only 14 days left of this year I feel like I am ready to close the book on somethings. I won't start 2012 with a completely clean slate or new outlook, if I told you I was I would be lying. There are somethings you can never completely wipe cleans or start fresh with. I'll wake up in 15 days and I'll still have cancer and my heart will still hurt and I'll wake up in 15 days knowing that I ended 2011 on a better note than 2010. I'm not perfect, I'm still growing as a man but for once I have some confidence in my self. I'm not going to sit here and say that nothing can phase me or that I don't have doubts but overall in the last few months and even more recently since that I've gained a new respect for myself. I'm starting to see my own potential, that I can be so much more than I've been told by others and myself. That my goals are reachable. I've been told that I talk about doing so much, going so many places and it's nice to think about them but they won't ever happen. That I live in this fantasy world. I now know that I can do those things.

I spent last night in the hospital with a fever that wouldn't break. I didn't mind it. I know I just talked about how I'm this confident man before but being in the hospital just brings you down. They pumped me full of fluids and I asked to be discharged. There are few things worse than spending the night in the hospital and that is something I didn't prepare myself for. I need my bedtime routine. I haven't drank in two weeks, if any of you know me at all that is a huge deal for me since I drink everyday. Can you say whipped? I know that it's not good for me but I actually enjoy the taste of alcohol. I just feel more clear I guess you could say. There is haze that has sort of been lifted from my view. I can't imagine drinking how I used to ever again. I guess I could compare it to smoking weed everyday, multiple times a day. I look back on what I was doing and both situations are down right pathetic.

I was thinking about going to work today since I missed three days from being sick from chemo. Maybe only a couple of hours since I'm still feeling sick. Thoughts? Comments? Concerns?

Always,

Nick

December 16th, 2011

2011-12-16T12:46:00.003-05:00

When you have a lot of time on your hands its hard not to over think about things in your past. I took a drive to the beach yesterday and I sat in the my car staring at the ocean, the water was choppy and had a green tint to it and I just thought about running into it and seeing how far I could get, what would happen? I've never had that feeling. I'm not sure if it's me not responding to my last chemo treatment as well or just the feeling of being overwhelmed but I felt on edge yesterday.

I try to remove myself from situations and concentrate on my own life and where it is going but sometimes it is so hard to do that. You can't help but think about something or think back on a time and it's a nice feeling. And then you remember how everything ended and it makes you sick. Yes it has been 4 months and I have been told to get over it. But I can't. I put everything I could give into something for over a year and all it got me was lied too. I can't get over that. Maybe that is me over thinking or maybe it's just me caring still. That I actually gave a shit about someone who always made me feel like I was a failure. I constantly would devalue myself, tell her she was always right when I knew that I was. I think that I pushed myself so far down and would tell myself I didn't deserve someone so great to put up with me. I was so wrapped up in not being good enough or not worthy that I didn't realize how great I really was. How great I really am. I can get down like I did this morning and over think or I can say fuck it, you don't deserve to be happy and you may have these little glimmers of hope that things are good but you're not. Some people need to preoccupy themselves with activities or spend all their time with someone just so they don't have to take an hour or two, think about who they really are as a person and reflect. Scary isn't it? I am completely happy with who I am as a person and I need to remind myself of that more. I may be sick and going through health problems but I am still a healthier person than you. I have someone really great right now, someone I honestly never would have thought and I think that's really the best feeling. I take a step back sometimes and think about how I got to this day in my life and I wouldn't change anything. You can tell who really cares or loves you when you're at your personal worst and some people left and other people joined my fight with me. In all honesty I'm glad I got sick when I got sick. I can't imagine how bad it could have turned out if it were a few months sooner.

I think I'll close by saying if you ever really were in love with someone you never truly move on. You get by, you do what you can but you'll never love another the way you loved someone else. I think a part of me will always have love in it for someone but as the days go by and I realize who they really are as a person that piece of me that is saved for them gets smaller and smaller. That is how love works.

Now Playing: The Kooks - Seaside

December 11th, 2011

2011-12-11T06:36:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I was so high on life and right now not so much. Don't get me wrong I love where I am in my life, who I'm with, where things are going and my career and my friends. Right now it's hitting me how sick I am. I feel like I'm at such a high point right now that it's all going to come crashing down soon. It can't stay this good. Being sick, having leukemia is a roller coaster ride of doctors appointments, hospital stays and mixed emotions. I could feel pretty decent for a few weeks and then wake up today and I can barely move and am sick to my stomach. It always seems to come on the worst days too. When I have a big meeting at work or a family party or like today I have a date tonight. All I can do is go through my routine to make myself feel better and hope this nausea goes away with time, that it is only a morning thing. I think it's a combination of a few things from the last few days, my anxiety levels have been up and down but I've gotten good at controlling them. All I'm going to say about that is I'm not going to reach out again and that it's a very sad thing because I have a lot to offer.

December 10th, 2011

2011-12-10T09:46:00.002-05:00

Its an indescribable feeling to be at a good place in your life. It's an even better place to have gotten there without sacrificing others along the way. I know it's not a long period of time but these last 2-3 weeks I have never felt more confident. I am completely happy with the man I am. I know I touched on it in my last post but this is huge for me. I've always been in a war with myself about who I really am. I think the biggest thing for me is standing up for myself. Not letting myself get walked all over. Not just standing up for myself but doing it in a mature manner. It's one thing to kick and scream and curse and beat it into someone head that I'm right or you're wrong. But to do it in a way that is mature, cool, calm and collected is something to be proud of.

On the health front I'm doing okay for right now. I'm still having chemo at least 2 times a week and dealing with that but the steroids I'm on have helped tremendously. I'm almost at my normal weight, only 6 pounds down. That is huge for me considering in September I was down almost 30 pounds from my normal. Me being sick is the only thing I'm not confident about in my life right now. I'm still scared everyday but I've learned to keep my thoughts to myself or keep it to my very close support system. I've learned that if people want to be there for you, they will and if they don't, then it is their loss. To be there for someone during this changes you. It makes you a better person and some people aren't ready for that transition in life.

This past Monday, Kristin and myself found out the sex of the baby. Right now she is only 15 weeks and it can't be confirmed until 20 weeks but they were able to give us the great news. I think I would have been happy either way. It is such a humbling feeling to see a little heartbeat on the screen and to know that it depends on you. Its extremely scary but humbling at the same time. I've been tight lipped on the sex of the baby because my master plan is surprise my Step Mom on Christmas. If you know her, you know she would love that. We all know she deserves it.

December 8th, 2011

2011-12-08T12:15:00.004-05:00

It's been almost 2 months since my last post. I guess you could say a lot has happened as well as nothing at all. I haven't stopped over thinking, I don't think I ever will, I just think that I'm learning how to just deal with life differently. I'm taking a new look at myself and realizing there is nothing wrong with who I am. I wake up every morning and do the best that I can every day and I know that when I lay my head down at night that I was the best person I could be that day. I didn't do anything to hurt anyone and I wasn't selfish and that I am proud of myself and my accomplishments for the day. In my almost 24 years in this world I think I feel like I am the most complete and honestly the happiest I've ever been. Absolutely there are things I question and don't understand and actually shake my head about but there is nothing I can do about it. I think I am finally starting to grasp the concept of people taking their own paths in life and seeing it practiced. And for once I am okay with it.

People do change, they make excuses for themselves and make empty apologies and I'm finally starting to get that there is nothing I can do about it. I can't save or protect everyone, I can't tell them how to live their life. I can't make someone want to be my friend or love me and really that's the most important thing I'm taking from all of this. This may sound cocky or arrogant but I, Nicholas Renna, am a great man. Not a boy, not a guy but a man. I feel like I have made that jump from being in transition in my life to truly becoming the man I've always wanted to be and the man my family has raised to be. I for once have absolute confidence in myself and that comes from me and not someone boosting my ego with superficial sayings and someone else's lust.

I'm not saying that I am perfect, I'm far from it but I try not to let my short comings define me to myself or others. I have extreme trust issues. Looking back on the past year and a half of my life I feel like I was being lied too. It's hard to really believe what someone tells you when you in all actuality have no idea if they were telling the truth. Having someone tell you they love you and then being with someone else at the same time really makes you doubt everything they have ever said to you, even if at some point they really did mean it. I am told I need to let it go and get over it but I don't think it is something to get over. I just think it's something you learn to deal with and try not to bring into new relationships. I have always trusted people without question and to lose my trust you need to do something to have lost it. All I wanted to do was throw up these sky high walls and not let anyone in but that's not who I am. I can't let someone new in my life suffer for the actions of someone immature and selfish. That would make me selfish. All I can really do now is be who I really am and not try to be someone I'm not. I never have changed myself for someone else and I hopefully never will. You can't be a new season with every new person you're with. You're not being true to yourself and that is probably the worst thing you can do.

October 11th, 2011

2011-10-11T14:02:00.005-04:00

I'm sitting at my computer for the first time in what seems forever, lightly sipping on a strawberry lemonade Powerade and a song I wrote a few months ago is softy streaming in the background. I appreciate what I have for the first time in a long time. I appreciate the fact that I'm feeling "okay" enough to sit up for what probably will only be a few minutes. I appreciate that I have a nurse who actually cares, yes it is her job and my medical insurance is paying for her services but I can tell she really cares about me. She is here 6 days a week for 3-4 hours and on her one day away from me she still calls to see if I need anything. That is a women who may not like her job, but cares about the people who she comes in contact with.

At times in life we sort of forget where we come from, who we care about and who cares about us. I am not a perfect man, I am not taking this sickness in stride. I have my strong days and not so strong ones but I appreciate my support system. I've always tried to almost live my life by a quote from Perks of Being A Wallflower but I'm starting to notice that might not always be true. I may have it worse than someone, I may have it better, but it doesn't change how I'm feeling. I think what I'm trying to get as is that it is very frustrating to feel this way everyday, that this has now become my life, and everyone's life still goes on. This truly only affects me on a daily basis. My sister is still going to wake up everyday, do her hair and go to school. She may call to see how I am, and I love it, but her world doesn't stop for me. And I guess I understand that.

"Not everyone has a sob story, Charlie, and even if they do, it's no excuse"

October 7th, 2011

2011-10-07T12:39:00.000-04:00

I’m not sure I can handle another week. The roller coaster ride continues. Sometimes you are slowly climbing up with a pretty good view of everything around you. Things seem under control and manageable. But you know that a drop may be just over the horizon or just around the turn. I'm not a big fan of roller coasters and on the rare occasion when I have ridden one, I hold on tight and try to focus on what's ahead. It's been that type of week with this "nasty little disease." I'm holding on tight and trying to stay focused

September 21st, 2011

2011-09-21T10:06:00.002-04:00

I was just under 2 years out of the woods but now I'm back in the woods. When I found out my immediate reaction was "really?...again" and I thought how am I going to tell My Dad and the Kath and my close inner circle. Since that day about 5 weeks ago I've only told one person out right and I indirectly said it to another. It's really no ones business and I did it on my own 2 years ago and I can do it alone now. Sure I still have my pity parties, everyone does, and if they tell you they don't they are a fucking liar. It's human nature to feel bad for yourself. I'm going to put on a big boy front, continue my life with this one added little bonus I guess you could say and work through it. I've been through a lot in my 23 years on this earth and this is just a hiccup.

Nick.

September 20th, 2011 - 2

2011-09-20T22:58:00.003-04:00

I feel like my last few entries have been well thought out and well put and this one won't be. So i apologize to anyone who reads this in advance.

I feel like what's the point. One person in my life has understood me to my core and got me as a person and they gave up on me. Why should I even try? I know I sound like a little baby but I'm having an emotional day. It sucks to know you're the cause of someones pain and heartache. I could have fixed it all. Made everything perfect. It looks like I did nothing but I tried everyday. Everyday. This is the first time in a very long time where I haven't tried, because well what's the point. To prove it to myself? That doesn't matter. It's like look Nick, you did it , 3 weeks too late. Congratulations on being too late. You went from having someone who loved you and got you to someone who if you died tomorrow would even care enough to give it a thought throughout the day.

September 20th, 2011

2011-09-20T10:19:00.001-04:00

"A man must go forth from where he stands. He cannot jump to the absolute, he must evolve toward it. Krishna says at any given moment in time we are what we are. Arjuna, we have to accept the consequences of being ourselves and only through this acceptance can we begin to evolve further. We may select the battleground, but we cannot avoid the battle."

Bela Fleck and the Flecktones - Sojourn of Arjuna

September 19th, 2011

2011-09-19T13:00:00.001-04:00

It seems so simple and obvious: stop giving power to my fears and stop fretting over potential and just live in and enjoy what actually is and build myself up. It’s also very easy for me to just say “I have absolutely no idea how to do that.” But is that a legitimate qualm or just another in a long line of excuses used to accommodate my anxiety? Is that something you can actually know how to do or do you just…do it?

Nicholas

September 18th 2011

2011-09-18T20:41:00.006-04:00

I suffer from some pretty severe anxiety issues. I say severe not necessarily in terms of intensity of said anxiety, I wouldn’t even know how to gauge that, but rather in terms of how much it impacts (or I let it impact) my life (I am even stopping after every couple of words and just staring at the screen, because the thought of putting this out there for people to see is just…yeah…but I know this is something I need to do). On some level it is always just looming overhead, and it really has a tendency to make its presence known more fully in the least opportune and least desirable moments, which of course then in turn only causes it to grow and before long I am just trapped in a nifty little downward spiral.

I get told the same thing over and over: I need to recognize my inherent value, my self-worth. Anxiety is a response to the future, a fear of the potential, so they say to recognize that the things we have anxiety over aren’t going to change who we are; we remain fundamentally the same person and that is something to be proud of. Now my problem is that I just feel like that’s a load of crap. The things I have anxiety over (including anxiety itself) can change us, they can define us, but I see where they are going. It’s an attempt to undermine the value we give into our fears, to make them less daunting, and to put the value back into ourselves. But as hard as I try, I can’t seem to do that. My actions and my anxieties have consequences, maybe not as dire as they are in my head, but they do, and I don’t know how to take that power away from them. I don’t know why this is, if it’s because of how pathetic I see myself as sometimes (which is largely influenced by my sense of my anxiety), if it is because I am too fixated on this and overcoming it, if there is something truly wrong with the actual physical make up of my brain, or for some other reason that I am not taking the time to list out here or hasn’t occurred to me.

And part of me just wants to get it over with, end all of this shit, tell the truth, but no one would understand. I want to just get out and go, just be alone, call them up and tell them the whole truth, tell them everything. But I can’t, because the truth changes people and the way they look at you. And I can’t do that to them even though what's going on only effects my life. I won’t. I doubt they’d believe me anyway.

September 17th, 2011

2011-09-17T12:53:00.004-04:00

I already updated today but I felt the need to get something partially off my chest. You have your own ideas about why I'm the way I am. Most people do. I never truly open up to everyone. I tell you 99% of my day but never the full thing. Shady? Probably. It scares me to fully tell you what's going on. And to verify it's not what you think it is. I get lost inside my own head and anxiousness and being afraid. Afraid to say whats really going on, afraid to open myself up to this again. That I try to ignore it like its not really happening again. I thought this part of my life was over with. I thought that I had beaten the beast but in reality two beasts are beating me. I'm losing one battle with anxiety and starting a new one with an old "friend". Truth is, I haven't told anyone. I wouldn't know how to handle your reaction. Good, bad, indifferent. It's not an easy thing to do. I don't know if I would be able to handle other peoples reactions as well. All I can say is that I'm sorry for not being forthcoming.

Truths & Insecurities - 2 Years Later

2011-09-17T11:23:00.002-04:00

In late September 2009 I made a post about all my truths and insecurities. I figured I would do the same today.

- I still buy expensive things to over compensate for where I lack in personality
- My head tells me one things and my heart another. I should know better but I still go with my heart
- I blame myself for everything that goes wrong in my life
- I am still as insecure as ever
- I feel like I have no friends. No one to go to when I need too
- I drink way too much for a diabetic
- I get in my own way of being truly happy
- I hurt someone more than I could ever imagine
- I lost the best friend someone could ever have because of my insecurities
- I'm selfish in not letting you go but I just can't
- I feel the need to let people know that I'm having a good time even when I'm not

September 15th, 2011

2011-09-15T10:39:00.002-04:00

My brain tells me one thing, I do another. My heart tells me another thing and I do the opposite. I can't seem to get all my working parts in sync. She's been ignoring you, she doesn't care about you and what do I do? I call her. How stupid am I. She she still wanted you Nick she would stay. My brain knows this, my heart when it's tired still gives in and I become an even more pathetic human being. I come off as the most pathetic and desperate person. I try to portray myself as this cool, calm and collected individual but I'm a pathetic mess. I've been going to work everyday, not taking vacation days or PDOs and actually getting work done and interacting with my co workers. I've been going to class and getting my work done. I haven't made that step in being an active participant in class yet but in due time that will eventually happen.

It's a pretty shitty feeling knowing that you had someone great and the only thing not making it work is yourself. Your insecurities and short comings. I say "I" a lot in here because it's always about how I'm feeling. But I can't even being to imagine how she was feeling. Someone who you connect with on so many levels and truly gets you down to your deepest insecurities and still loves you regardless, but they do absolutely nothing to be there for you. They say they love you 100 times a day but they are still lacking in the biggest area. That must be such a terrible way to feel everyday. Sure we were happy on the surface and made each other laugh but when it goes down to your core you must say "what's wrong with me". And the only thing I can say to that now is nothing. There was/is nothing wrong with you. I couldn't ask for someone more perfect and understanding. But I do understand everyone has their breaking point. I just wish that I had reached my breaking point and actually made a difference in all of this.

September 14th, 2011

2011-09-14T09:57:00.002-04:00

So school was definitely a big mistake. I am not ready to take 4 classes as well as work a full time job and a part time one. As of right now I only have Sunday afternoons to myself. I'm only a week into this type of scheduling and it's not going too well. I'm always tired and I have no me time. My anxiety has been through the roof since last night and I'm surprised I even got out of bed and made it to work today. I had a 3 page paper to write last night for class and I am not happy with it at all. Not being in school for long has left me in the dark when it comes to actual writing. It looks like a 7th grader wrote it. A very dumb 7th grader. I know it's cliche but all I want to do is lay in bed with the covers pulled over my head with the lights off and the air conditioning on. I guess the only good thing about class and work is the fact that I'm not alone with my thoughts all day. It would eat me alive. By no means am I doing "well". I struggle everyday but class and work just keep my mind off of it. Times like this you usually turn to your best friend to get you through it. But when they are both the same person you have no one. I've reached out to a few doctors but with my schedule it's tough to commit to any day or time period. I only have a 4 hour gap from when I leave work and the start of class, with an hour commute.

Music is supposed to help but it doesn't. Everything makes me think of what was and what could have been. I know that it was all my fault that it didn't happen and that it fell apart. I think that's what it makes it hurt even more. Knowing I could have made it all perfect. I don't like how I am, I'm pretty sure no one does. I'm trying to fix myself.

September 12th, 2011

2011-09-12T10:32:00.002-04:00

I think it's time I pick up Perks of Being a Wallflower again. It is by far my favorite book and I know it's so cliche but it has gotten me through a lot since the first time I picked it up.

I probably come off like an asshole on these entries, everything is "I...I...I". Truth is I don't know how else to explain myself. I know I'm not the only one effected by my actions. So lets try it this way. I am an asshole, I am selfish, I let stupid little things get in my way, I can't come up big and push through all my self doubts and insecurities.

September 11th, 2011

2011-09-11T20:59:00.002-04:00

"Shattered looks in each direction all seem to come to me."

I don't really understand the concept of time and how it relates to moods and feelings. Last night I went out all night and got home at 4am. I slept for a little while and then headed out to be with my StepDad and siblings. We had a nice lunch and I finally got to have a good talk with my Dad about how we both feel towards each other. He raised me since I was 3 years old and these past few years we have grown apart. We are both stubborn so taking the first step in reconciling is difficult for both of us. Neither of us wants to admit that we were wrong. I got home from lunch and took a much needed nap and since then I've been in a funk all day. I don't know where I am going in my life. I am lonely. I added another class to my school schedule so that I can further my life but I feel like its only going to add trouble and anxiety to my days. I'll be 24 in February and I still don't have a bachelor's degree. I know that everyone takes there own path and there is nothing wrong with not being in school. I didn't go to school for almost 2 years, but I know that I need it to better my life. I just don't want to be 30 and still living with my high school buddies with no future.

I let things eat at me on the inside. This usually leads to writing a lot but I don't even want to do that. I can't even really relate to music anymore. Everything brings up a memory or a feeling. I've haven't felt like this in so long, since my Mom passed. And not to keep trying to put these two situations in the same boat, they are not the same, they will never have the same impact on me but I feel the same loneliness. No where to turn.

September 10th, 2011

2011-09-10T10:46:00.002-04:00

I'm really terrible about starting these things off. I always have a lengthy list of things to say but I never know how to get the ball rolling. I guess you could say that the days I have a million things to do are better days than days like today. I have work for a few hours and then that's it. Yesterday I worked all day and was busy so I guess it wasn't as bad. I hate thinking sometimes. I mean it's good to think and feel, to know you're alive but sometimes I would rather feel nothing. I'm having the same feelings as I did after my Mom passed. Not that this will ever ever relate to that or even come close but the feelings of what do I do now? Where does my life go from here? I've never been one to move on quickly, I can't.

I haven't been writing much. I don't feel the point. It will never turn into what I want it too. I thought I was doing better at holding in my emotions and not unraveling like I used too. I guess I have more work to do than I thought. I haven't come as far as I thought I did. I try to tell myself I'm this great guy, that anyone would be lucky to have me. I pump out my chest and parade around my house like I'm the greatest thing in the world. But as soon as I step out my front door I lose all that confidence. I'm not great, I'm just a scared, pathetic excuse for a man who will never really be this great guy that I want to be.

September 9th, 2011

2011-09-09T09:16:00.002-04:00

I guess it's a trend me not updating this for long periods of time. I don't think anyone reads this but sometimes I need to say stuff I can't tell anyone else.

I wake up from having this such lucid dreams where I am able to come through and make it. It's so vivid and emotional and for lack of a better word, perfect. Then I wake up and realize it's not real. That I'm still alone, she's still alone and I lost my best friend. It makes me feel even more anxious thinking about losing the one person who really does get you. I feel like that is a once in a lifetime thing and for me that experience has come and gone. It's only gone because of my own doing or not doing, however you want to look at it. It's like a vicious cycle of self pity and self loathing. I get pretty close and have my days where I can do it but then I psych myself out. Does she even want me there? Would me being there make it worse? I try to think that if I was there it would all work out, she would wrap her arms around me after giving me a dirty look and everything will be okay. But then reality hits and it will probably be an awkward exchange of half smiles and we both realize it's too late and I should just leave. I don't think I will ever stop trying because there is always that possibility of the first scenario. I hold out hope for that.

August 17th, 2011

2011-08-17T08:55:00.002-04:00

It's been a while since I last updated in here. I really don't have much to say ever. Lately I've been internalizing how I'm really feeling for the most part. I'm definitely stuck in a rut but I do feel myself climbing out of it. But with my luck it is too late. I feel things slipping away from me. I do deserve it, it's been too long I just hope I can make it happen before I lose someone who means so much to me.

Keep Your Head Up

2011-06-25T10:35:00.002-04:00

I should be packing all day to move after work all this week into my new house with my pals but I know I'll be lazy. I'm feeling confident for the first time in a year. It is such a good feeling. Good things are going to come. I can feel it.

Currently Listening to: Andy Grammer - Keep Your Head Up

June 23rd, 2011

2011-06-23T22:43:00.002-04:00

I figured I'd update this a little bit. I'm one week into my taking Lexapro. So far so good. I haven't achieved my goal yet but I'm feeling better everyday. The side effects are taking a little bit of a toll on me in the short term but the in the long run it will be amazing. I can't wait to start living again.

I had a pretty long day today. I woke up late for work and only worked till one but then I had class and a doctors appointment. I have a shit ton of homework to do by Tuesday. We didn't get our grades back yet from Tuesday's test but I wasn't really expecting it. I don't think I did so hot on it. It was my first test since September 2009 semester. I need to register for the next summer session soon. I would like to take 2 classes and get six credits and chip away at this degree. As soon as I get my associates in Business Management I can get another promotion at work and make the big bucks. So heres to that.

Nick

I never knew home until I found your hands

2011-06-13T08:14:00.003-04:00

I wish that you could see drafts of a blog, what I've written and erased. I always try not to put my real feelings on here. I know that is kind of the point right? I feel like if I put everything down that I will expose myself too much but then again who reads this anyways? I think my biggest downfall is that I day dream too much. I am far from perfect. I am whiny, needy, stubborn but I hope that my good qualities make me worth it. Some days I feel empty like today but I think about someone and then I feel full.

I really didn't know the point of this. Sorry for the randomness.

June 4th, 2011

2011-06-04T07:42:00.002-04:00

I was in the shower a few minutes ago and I knew I needed to write in here but now that this dialog box is open, I can't find anything to say. I'll just say this. Not to be dramatic but maybe I should just end it all. You're not happy, my effort isn't good enough. You've been waiting long enough and you're tired. I try and try and try and it's not working so you become nasty with me, which makes everything worse and it's a vicious cycle. I feel like I have no one to talk to about it because when we talk about it it just turns into a fight and we get no where. You don't wanna hear that I'm trying and I don't want to hear you get tone with me.

This world would be a better place without Nicholas Renna.

The Tide Pulls From The Moon

2011-03-24T09:45:00.002-04:00

Today is the 24th of March, 2011. After a night of not sleeping too well I am sitting here on my computer and I have thoughts for the past few days but I don't think I am going to share them. I feel like justice won't but done for how I feel if I just randomly try to piece everything together blog to blog instead of having one really telling entry. So I think that's what I will do. Enjoy your day.

Nicholas.

March 18th, 2011

2011-03-18T22:35:00.003-04:00

Sometimes I can't get out of the way of my emotions. It's like constantly tripping over your own two feet. It is such a shitty feeling. Almost of complete loss or hopeless-ness. I make everyone miserable. I try to do good, I come up short and I ruin people's days/weeks. I don't want to be this way. I don't try to be this way. I know you're having a bad day and you're upset and I know it is partially because of me, but I do love you as much as you won't say it back. I am trying, I always try and I won't come up short anymore.

March 9th, 2011

2011-03-09T23:15:00.001-05:00

It's a little bit late for an entry but I have nothing better to do soooo. I bought a new video game today, MLB 11 THE SHOW. It's awesome like usual. I played that a bit today and then I napped for like 2 hours and then I ate. Now I just finished watching 4 hours of college and pro hoops and now I'm onto the Rangers playing out west. By the way they are playing like shit. There is really no point to this blog right now so I apologize. I really don't think I have any feelings right now to write down. That might change later. Who knows. I have been feeling angry lately I guess but I don't really have any feelings right now.

Nick

March 8th, 2011

2011-03-08T11:09:00.002-05:00

So today I got up early and went out and finally got my knee brace. I didn't really sleep so I guess it wasn't that hard getting out of bed. So anyways I got up and got the brace for my right knee. If you're saying "Nick why do you need a brace for your knee?" Well on Sunday I was running on my treadmill and I landed the wrong way and my knee kinda shifted. It hurt, I cried. Went and got it x-rayed later that night and there is no structural damage, it is just sprained. The doctor said no running which I wasn't supposed to be running anyways since I don't have my orthodics yet. He suggested a brace to hold my knee better since this is the knee I had surgery on 4 years ago anyways. The doctor gave me a prescription for a pain killer but I think I'll stick with just Aleve for now. 8 months to the day strong.

I've just been in an overall angry mood today. I guess it's from last night but nothing significant really happened to alter my mood like this. I just get like this sometimes. Everyone is allowed to have an off day right? Hopefully the day gets a little better. I'm gonna go see my Dad today I think.

Enjoy your day.

Nicholas

March 2nd, 2011

2011-03-02T10:42:00.002-05:00

It's weird how a sleep can change everything. Yesterday was a terrible day, just my emotions dragging me down and today I'm feeling a little better. Last night Jaimie gave me an almost pep talk to get me going. How I will never find a job better than this one and I shouldn't throw it away. Fuck the people who make me feel uncomfortable, they can't let you throw your life away. Anxiety is such a powerful thing. No matter how good something is, you feel like your feet are in mud and your knees lock up and you can't get out. I always have great intentions but I can never go through with them. I have to let people affect me negatively and only positively. That's the goal for the day.

Nicholas

March 1st, 2011

2011-03-01T11:48:00.002-05:00

The few times I have posted this year I always write 2001 instead of 2011. Thinking back I can't believe 2001 was 10 years ago. Crazy how time went by so quick looking back but the days go so slow. I don't know, just a thought.

I'm still feeling depressed but I'm holding my feelings inside. I just don't feel like what I have to say is worth saying. Pessimistic? Yes. I've had days where I've felt alright but overall I feel like I'm wrapped in a saran-wrap bubble of discontent and no self worth. I'm sitting here listening to a new album and it has no affect on me, not because it isn't good but because music has no impact on me right now. Driving around I search for something to listen to on my ipod and nothing intrigues me. 5,000 songs and not a damn thing I wanna hear.

I feel like everybody gets a fresh start with the new month but me. Maybe I just don't believe in it or I chose to subconsciously not accept turning over a new leaf? I'm not sure. I never can express myself well.

Nick

February 22nd, 2011

2011-02-22T08:27:00.003-05:00

I am going to try to start this up again. I need somewhere to drain all my feelings into. You can be completely in love with someone, trust them beyond anything but sometimes you just can't get all your feelings out to them. It's not that you don't want to them, its just the words won't physically escape your mouth to do so. I guess I'll write it here and maybe people read this, maybe they don't.

I'm steadily creeping into a depression. You would think with winter ending soon I'd be coming out of hibernation and loving life. Negative. Getting out of bed is extremely difficult, and going to work is the worst part of my day. I know you're saying "Nick, no one likes getting up and no one likes work" This is true. I just think it's different. I'm throwing away my career and it doesn't really bother me. All I want to do is sit around my house in my shorts and t-shirt and eat fast food and sleep. That is it. That's what I have been doing and its been nice. I've contemplating doing it this week as well. All I want sometimes is to be left alone. My Dad gets on my case constantly and so do other people. My Aunt is constantly calling me about work. Sometimes I don't want to deal with life and live in my own fantasy world. I know this is selfish to say but I've been through enough in my life that I deserve to not do anything and everyone should honestly just shut the fuck up and let me live my own life. I want to live my life to my standards, no one else's.

I know right now I come off to you as bitchy and annoying and completely into myself but I really don't care. I'm miserable in all aspects of my life except one, but I keep fucking that up so I'll be miserable in that soon enough.

N

February 21st, 2011

2011-02-21T21:44:00.002-05:00

So everyone seems to be updating these so I will too. Lets recap since my last entry: Valentine's Day, Birthday all in the same week. Did nothing for both. No one out of the group of my friends wanted to go out, oh well. Spent my birthday in, took a nice nap and let someone down. What else is new. Today I just hung out and was pretty busy all day. Big L is home from school and I miss him so its good. Lets see what else. Haven't spoken to my Dad in a while. He didn't call for my birthday or anything, not like I expected him too.

Basically I have a boring life and no need to update this. Sorry to the random people who click on this, there is nothing to see here. I have a pretty bad cough, should probably go to the doctor.

Nick

January 31st, 2011

2011-01-31T09:29:00.002-05:00

It's been a little over a week since my last blog, sorry about that...or am I? I honestly never think about posting in here because well no one reads it. I really don't know what I wanna say. Probably just that I'm sick and tired of what I say being interpreted wrong. So I've decided not to say much at all when it comes to certain things.

My birthday is in like 3 weeks. I'll be 23, scary. I never thought I'd live this long which in itself is scary. I don't really have solid plans yet. I want too but I don't yet. We will see.

Nick.

January 23rd, 2011

2011-01-23T08:37:00.002-05:00

I apologize for not blogging if anyone reads this. I just haven't had much to say. I don't have much to say right now but I'm just sitting here in my towel and I figured I'd just give this a quick update.

Next month should be a happy one of reminiscing about meeting the person who you find a perfect fit for you. But instead, because of me it is just sad about how long I've been fucking up. It just makes me realize how big of a piece of shit I really am.

Nick.

January 5th, 2011

2011-01-05T10:02:00.002-05:00

When people get upset or anxious they become self destructing. I am on one of those paths right now. I haven't been to work all week and I haven't called in to them that I wasn't coming in. I really just don't care that much. Like someone wise just told me, I won't find another good paying job like this ever. But really with my emotions right now I don't really care. They are very lenient with me only because of who I am related too. As you can tell I'm in a "I don't give a shit" mood this morning and I honestly don't know why. I haven't slept good in a long time and I think it is catching up. Last year I didn't sleep and I was fine, but now that I have seen and gone through the wonders of sleep I truly miss it. I slept for a few hours this morning and woke up to my dog licking my bare feet and nibbling on them. Sexy right? I know.

I don't know what else I really want to say so I'm gonna go. Treadmill time. I'm signing up for the next marathon/half marathon that comes up.

Nick

January 1st, 2011

2011-01-01T20:30:00.002-05:00

When I start these blogs, I sit here with the blank template for a few minutes because I really don't know what to say so here it goes.

Today was pretty rough and it's still not over. Something really beautiful ended early this morning and it has been 18 hours and 10 minutes since I have heard her voice. I feel like I have rusty pipes in my stomach grinding against each other. It's all my own doing which makes it hurt even more. I could have stopped this and I wouldn't let myself. I just want to sit on my bed with my hood over my head to hide the emotions of the day. It's only 8:30 pm and I need to go to sleep but sleep won't come, that I know for sure. So I guess I'll find a way to occupy my time without you and get through each day. Will it get easier? Probably, everything gets easier with time but right now this is the hardest.

To add salt to the wounds of this morning my Stepfather was remarried today. I lost my beautiful Mother 4 years ago come March and her husband, the man who raised me, got married this morning. I never planned on going but for the 2 hours I spent sleeping last night I dreamt of my Mother like I often do and waking up this morning I felt like I had no choice but to go. Not to support him and his new marriage but to be there for my sister and brothers. Of course my sister was ecstatic at the fact of a wedding but she is too young to really understand what happened. My brothers were happy to see me, it's been a long time since I've seen them. I sat in Church at watched someone who I call my Father make a pact, the same pact he made to my Mother, to this women and it hurt. It's like he said it so easily, like he had never said it before. I don't know maybe I am being selfish and unreasonable but I am biased in my opinion. The reception was nice of course, well paid for and I sat there and sipped on my drink all afternoon and looked at the empty seat next to me. Mr. Nicholas Renna and guest. No guest, just me and my lonely self. This of course is my own doing as well.

Tomorrow is a new day, hopefully these rusty pipes in my stomach grind a little bit less then.

Sincerely,
Nicholas.

December 28th, 2010

2010-12-28T18:48:00.002-05:00

Oh blogger, I'm sorry it's been a while. I really haven't put my thought into posting in here at all. I've been generally in a good mood lately, no complaints. I've had off of work for 4 days now because of "Blizzard 2010" and I don't mind at all. I'll be going back tomorrow and working strong for the rest of the week. I think I took about 4 separate naps yesterday alone, it was truly a beautiful thing. I hope whomever reads this enjoyed their holiday season as it is coming to a close in the next few days with the arrival of the new year. I enjoy the holidays not because of presents or family (I'm sorry!), I just honestly love cream puffs and pumpkin pies. I would like to apologize to my doctors for that and my unregulated glucose levels these last few days.

Like I said before I've been in generally a good mood these past few weeks but today I've kind of taken on an angry mood in the last few hours. I know why of course but who am I to complain on here. I also hate looking back on these entries and see myself complain and be a baby. I hope everything works itself out tonight, I'm not going to bother for the rest of the night. Getting involved and trying really doesn't seem worth it. Oh well, tomorrow will be better and everything can be fixed in a second. Bad moods can turn to good with just one listen of a certain voice. I hope I can do that tonight and if not then I will try again tomorrow. Enjoy your night.

Nicholas.

December 13th, 2010

2010-12-13T09:06:00.003-05:00

Please forgive me for not posting in a few days. Some days I can't wait to write here and other times days pass without me noticing. I've been overtired lately and I'm not sure why. It's probably due to the weather and work and blah blah blah. Yesterday I went out shopping for gifts for my family which was highly unsuccessful. I came home around 3:30 and got into bed with Jaimie and napped the day away. It was pretty perfect. I can only think of a few things that would have made the day complete but that story is for another day. We've been on a pretty good roll lately with not fighting, it's been really nice. It's a good feeling when the person you are with feels the same way back towards you. When you are both on the same "page". It's just going really well right now, that is really the only way I could put it.

The Jets lost yesterday, SAME OLD JETS. There, I said it. But in better news the Rangers absolutely demolished the Capitals. So it all evens out. The first half of the Dexter finale was good and then the last half hour or so I was thoroughly disappointed. Clyde Phillips leaving the show really came to a head last night in the overall writing of the episode.

Nicholas

December 8th, 2010

2010-12-08T08:16:00.003-05:00

I am an extremely cranky bear waking up at 4:45am now that I sleep and love sleeping. I never appreciated sleep so much. Work is starting to get on my nerves. Some people in my office don't know how to take a hint and not knock on my door 10 times a day to shoot the shit. I'm trying to pretend to do work, don't blow my cover. I'm really trying to put my hours at work and work the full day. I am most productive when no one is here but as soon as it hits 10am I start to slack off. I don't know why. I have my one year check up after work today. All will be well, I just know it. You can't spend your life worrying about "what if". I am slowly learning that. It is easier said than done but I am trying.

Yesterday seemed to drag on forever because I couldn't talk to Jaimie all day. She couldn't text at work so without her the day felt like an eternity. I ended up leaving work at just before 3pm and got home in great time. As soon as I walked in the door the suit came off and then got into bed and watched Law & Order :SVU for 3 or 4 hours. I think I've seen every episode of that show except for the new ones.

I heard a new John Mayer song and I immediately think of Jaimie. "Face To Call Home" the song is called. Isn't that what everyone is looking for. Home isn't necessarily a place but a person who makes you feel at home. It is a beautiful feeling. I haven't felt this way in a long time. I want to do all I can for her all the time. You shouldn't feel like you need someone else to complete you. You should feel complete on your own but she makes me feel like I am all she will never need. I feel like me when I am with her. That is an amazing feeling. As cliche as this will sound, it feels good to love and be loved and sometimes that is all you need to get through the day.

Enjoy your day.
Nicholas

December 7th, 2010

2010-12-07T14:30:00.002-05:00

I have been sitting at my desk at work all morning and I have gotten nothing done. I can't concentrate. I just keep thinking of the same thing over and over again. I really can't put to words how I feel sometimes. I just want to go home. The year is almost over. This month is new but I feel like it is winding down already.

In other news, some people in your life aren't worth your time. It can be a brother, a sister, a friend, anyone. Don't let things get too one sided because at the end of the day, you're the only one hurting. I have been on both sides of this. It just isn't worth it in the end. When you're going through it you think it will be but when it's over, it's just over. You think that brothers and sisters are for life and so should friends but you realize when you get older you weed out the people who don't matter as much and you hold the ones who matter even close. That is a bond for life.

Nicholas

December 6th, 2010

2010-12-06T09:16:00.002-05:00

Good Morning readers,

It's only 9:20am and I finished sitting in on all the new hire interviews and they went well. It's pretty much like gym class and you get to pick your teams for softball. Who has the better sales qualities and so on and so forth. To my surprise a girl I went to high school with was one of the new hires. I graduated high school in 2006 and haven't seen too many people I graduated with since so it was definitely a memory overload for the 15 minute interview. My boss and I ended up picking her anyways because we are short one sales team member to begin with so it will be interesting to see how this progresses.

Last night was a good night. Jaimie's night started off stressful and she was being a cranky bear but I hopefully made things better, me or Josh Harnett. Though I have only known her for 10 months it seems like forever. We talked about how we were both trying to feel each other out in the beginning without showing our hand. It's pretty crazy how things happen but I'm glad they did. I wouldn't trade her for anything. Forget the fact that I am in love with her but the pure fact that she is a great person and a friend. Those don't come along very often. Enjoy reading this I have to get some work done. Until tomorrow.

Nicholas.

December 5th, 2010

2010-12-05T20:42:00.002-05:00

It feels amazing to be "enough" for someone. That no matter what is going on in their life, you can fix it just by being there for them. Hearing someone say "I Love You baby. Since you've been in my life you're the brightest part of it." That is an amazing thing. And I hope she knows that she is everything and more for me. I wouldn't be where I am today without her. Not a chance. These past 10 months that I've known you have been worth everything. I would change somethings but it would never change the way I feel.

End of cheesy unnecessary blog.
I love you.
Nick.

December 4th, 2010

2010-12-04T10:10:00.002-05:00

As I was laying in bed this morning with the wonderful Jaimie I realized what today was. One year ago I underwent a bone marrow transplant and today is my one year anniversary I guess you could say. The first year removed is the most crucial because of the chance of infection and thankfully I only had a few small set backs. I know it is cliche to do this but just thank you to anyone who was there for me. Thank You

Nicholas

December 1st, 2010

2010-12-01T02:48:00.003-05:00

This is my middle of the night rant. I was laying in bed and thinking and this is what i have too say:

You can't love your boyfriend or girlfriend after a month or two. That is not love, that is just a good feeling you get when you are with someone. A good feeling of spending time with someone. Can the heart grow fond of someone very quickly? Yes, absolutely

Real love is hearing someone throw up because of anxiety and as much it hurts you that they are not there, you're still sitting there saying "it's okay, i'm here for you" even though you want to scream at the top of your lung in pain because you are hurting. That is love at its truest and most simple form.

When I find the rest of my thoughts I will post them

November 29th, 2010

2010-11-29T08:36:00.001-05:00

It's been a while and I'm sorry, I just don't have much too say. I'll try to write in here later.

-Nick

November 14th, 2010

2010-11-14T16:04:00.003-05:00

I told myself I would update this everyday but some days i just don't have anything so say. I'm sitting in my room watching the Jets get romped in overtime by Cleveland. I don't think I would ever see myself saying it but the Jets had a typical Jets breakdown in the 4th quarter. Oh well. I just tracked guitar for a new version of a song I previously released.

Touching on a previous post here but it feels really good not to care about things, people, situations who don't care about you. Don't waste your time and energy on something, someone. It feels like bricks were on my shoulders and now I can move and feel good about myself. I feel some of my confidence coming back and it feels good. I'm not going to waste my time drowning in semi depressive moods.

Love Always,
Nick

November 11th, 2010

2010-11-11T09:04:00.005-05:00

I sat down to write here yesterday morning at work and wrote about half way down and got stuck. There was so much I wanted to say and just couldn't find my trail of thought and make sense of it all. I think what I pretty much want to say is that I hope I can fill in the cracks and splits in your confidence and be something that makes you feel okay with yourself. I know it is important to feel complete on your own and not need anyone to make you feel complete but in the times you are doubting yourself, I want to be there.

I'm making the trip out to Long Island to see my Mom today. It's been a while and I have the day off from work. I can't really imagine what my life would be like if she were still with me. I would have never dropped out of college, that is for sure. Maybe I wouldn't be the person I am today though. Some days are better than others as anyone knows who has lost someone so pivotal in their everyday life. I'm sad because I miss her but it hurts even more that the world lost a great woman who did a lot of good and it's hard to imagine what goals she wouldn't have reached if she were still here.

Nicholas.

November 8th, 2010

2010-11-08T11:50:00.004-05:00

Today didn't start off too great, pretty terrible actually. My own doing of course. I'm like a train wreck, what did you expect? I let little insignificant things get in my way of pure greatness. But what else is new? The weather sucks today and it pretty much sums up how my insides feel. I need to stop this path I'm on. I need to change. I know I know, I talk a big game.

In other news and through all the bullshit of last night, this is the happiest I've been in the last 5 or 6 years. I have a lot to work on but I don't feel trapped or unappreciated. It's a good feeling. I wish I could make others feel this way so that I can feel complete. It feels good not to care about people who don't care about you, mainly my Dad. I was always so worried about what he thought about me and now I could care less.

Sorry for the poor use of the English language.

Nicholas

November 7th, 2010

2010-11-07T17:18:00.002-05:00

I doubt anyone reads this but if you do I am sorry I've missed the last few days. I have been busy and I really haven't had much to say at all. I don't really have much to say today either but I figured I'd give it a shot while my phone is charging. The best advice I've ever gotten was probably given to me by Jaimie. I was harping on a lot of things in my life and she simply just said "Don't give a shit about people/things who don't give a shit about you" I have been using this to my advantage a lot lately with a few people in my life. I can honestly say I am a much happier person. It's so simple but it is hard to do but once you can do it, it's worth it. So much time and energy spent on situations with my Dad and old friends was such a waste. I feels really good. This entry has been full of bad grammar and sentence structure so I'll end it now and say..Thank You Jaimie and I Love You.

Nicholas

November 4th, 2010

2010-11-04T17:50:00.002-04:00

Greetings from Buffalo, New York. It is cold and dreary and raining and tomorrow it is going to snow. Hopefully that does not have any effect on my flight home because I wish to be home more than anything right now. This is probably going to be really short because well I don't really have anything to say. These last few days have been rough. I just want to sleep.

Currently Listening To: She & Him - You Really Gotta Hold On Me

November 3rd, 2010

2010-11-03T08:59:00.003-04:00

I am sitting in the Delta terminal of JFK airport in lovely Queens, New York because well, I read my ticket wrong and missed my flight to Buffalo, New York. My first real business trip on my own and I already screwed up. I got here at 8:00am and the plane had taken off five minutes earlier. I wasn't going to cause a scene and make the plane get out of line to take off just for me. It was my fault not theirs. I have no problem sitting here until almost 11:00am. I like to watch people, as long as they are not next to me. I enjoy my personal space.

I downloaded the new Underoath record last night and three or four songs in, so far so good. It is a completely new line up with Aaron leaving and no original members but it isn't disappointing like a lot of records new line up bands put out. I haven't listened to Underoath in so long. "They're Only Chasing Safety" was my shit back in the day.

More from Buffalo later

Nicholas

November 2nd, 2010

2010-11-02T09:19:00.003-04:00

I can just feel today is going to be one of those day where you are slightly off all day. I woke up late, no big deal but as soon as I get to work I have 15 messages already on my desk that I need to take care of and to top it all off, there is a problem with my car insurance so I need to handle that too. Work today is going to be hectic, I wish I could just skip through it to leave.

Tomorrow morning I have to fly to Buffalo for work. It's only 2 days but I get anxious about flying so this is big for me. It got me thinking a lot about the job I'm in. I work for a great company but with my job description now I need to travel a lot in the upcoming year. There is only 2 more trips this year but I already feel like it is going to take a toll on my home life. Could I do this as my career? Leave home for 3 days a week and be home for 2 and leave again. Could I leave my family when I have one. It's a question I'm going to have to ask myself a lot to figure out my life. Not in a million years did I think I would be one of those guys traveling for work constantly line Jonny's dad from "Little Giants". They money is really good. The upswing and perks to this job are great and I'm young now but do I want to be doing it when I'm 40 and missing my wife and missing my kid's soccer games because I need to fly to Cleveland for 3 days. Maybe I'm thinking too much.

November 1st, 2010

2010-11-01T09:40:00.003-04:00

It's been a while blog, I'm sorry but it's not like anyone reads this anyways. I'm sitting at my desk at work and day dreaming. I cannot wait for the best part of my day in about 12 hours :) I think a lot of people over use the phrase "I don't know what I would do without you" and I've said it before, everyone has, but I honestly do not know what I would do without Jaimie. There has not been one day since February 10th, 2010 where she has not been in my life. I know I've loved before but not like this. Everyday I am absolutely blessed she is in my life. Is it perfect? No. Do I have work to do? Yes. But is this real? Yes. Is it forever? We'll see. I think everyone who is in a relationship and it is going well thinks that well, maybe this could be it. And I hope it is for a lot of people.

I wish my office had a couch in it. I could use a good hour or so nap. I didn't sleep last night at all. Jaimie fell asleep pretty early and I can't sleep without her but I didn't want to wake her up like every other night. Rereading what I wrote I sound like such a loser but sometimes I'd rather be a loser than not be able to put out what is on my mind.

It's a new month and I'll try to write in here but I'll probably miss a lot of days. Please bear with me

Love,
Nick

Nostalgia

2010-10-26T20:43:00.002-04:00

My 10 Favorite Records in High School (2002-2006)

1. Brand New - Deja Entendu
2. Kevin Devine - Split The Country, Split The Street
3. Northstar - Pollyana
4. Taking Back Sunday - Tell All Your Friends
5. Kevin Devine - Make The Clocks Move
6. The Early November - The Room's Too Cold
7. Something Corporate - Leaving Through The Window
8. The Used - The Used
9. Yellowcard - Ocean Avenue
10. Allister - Last Stop Suburbia

September 10th, 2010

2010-09-10T20:49:00.000-04:00

I have one of the most amazing people in my life. End of story

September 9th, 2010

2010-09-09T06:38:00.002-04:00

Good love came my way. I didn't go out and beg for it and search for it. It just kind of happened. I don't think I've been this happy in a very long time. It's an amazing feeling and I hope she feels the same way :)

August 20th, 2010

2010-08-20T10:51:00.003-04:00

I haven't updated in a few days but I really haven't had much to say. My soundtrack for the last few days has been John Mayer - Where The Light Is. Good Love is on the Way. I'm having troubles now but I can only feel like things are getting better. I'm feeling great. My heart is open and full at it feels great. Right now, today, is the happiest I've been in a long time. I will make the 2nd half of this year amazing for someone. I promise. I don't make promises, but I promise that.

The new dress shoes I bought have I guess no support to them and it has done a number on my foot. The ligaments in my arch are all inflamed and it can hurt pretty bad at times. I spent Wednesday night in the ER just to make sure nothing was broken and to get an X-ray. I have a doctors note to be out from work yesterday and today so I have a 4 day weekend. It feels good, work really stresses me out. I feel like it is such a mountain to climb that I don't know where to start. I do get paid today so I might ask Jaimie for a ride to work after she gets home from work so we can get my check and I can take her out to dinner :)

Nicholas

August 17th, 2010

2010-08-17T13:17:00.004-04:00

Another day working. I woke up extremely late after pretty much my best night in a while. It started off shaky but by the time I feel asleep it was hands down the best night of summer, maybe even of 2010 so far. I think there will be many more nights like last night, hopefully even better ones. Tonight has so much potential also I can barely sit at my desk and do work from all my excitement. I hope it works out.

This last hour or so I've been feeling kind of rough. Things from the past and trying to move on. I know I did you wrong, completely 100% my fault. We're both going separate ways and doing out our things and I'm happy. I miss you, our friendship but right now on this day, August 17th 2010 I am happy. And when shit hits the fan and if things go south for you and you're calling me, I wanna say I won't be there but I can't because that's not who I am. As much as I want to get past everything I am loyal to our friendship and everything we've been through. I owe you that for sticking by me for so long and I am a good listener and I think it's one of my downfalls really. With all my friends I get walked on a tossed aside but when things go down Nick has always been the one to call at 3am. Everything I wrote probably doesn't even make sense but in the words of JMO "it is what it is"

August 16th, 2010

2010-08-16T12:56:00.002-04:00

I'm sitting at work right now thinking about going to lunch. I've actually been pretty productive so far. I think it's because Jaimie is at work and I have no one to talk too. I made some sales, I know I am capable of doing this job I just don't have the drive to do it. I've started writing for my new project and it is going okay so far. I'm trying to keep it completely underwraps until I'm done with it so it blows people away. What I can tell you so far it's about moving on and growing apart and really learning how to deal with it on so many levels. I am very excited for it. I'm trying not to take myself so seriously because it isn't something I want to make a career out of. Sure it would be nice but I don't see myself doing it in 10 years, probably even 5. I'm 22 years old but I still feel like I'm in my teenage years when it comes to my selfishness. I'm trying to work out a lot of stuff and it is taking longer than I want but I hope in the end everything works out.

Currently Listening: The Flaming Lips - Free Radical

Nick

August 15th, 2010

2010-08-15T20:17:00.003-04:00

My sister turned 6 years old today. It's scary to think that 6 years ago I was 16 years old. I don't even remember what I looked like in August 2004. I remember her being born like it was yesterday and now she is an annoying brat who is spoiled. Yay! So nevermind, this is me from I think a little bit after she was born maybe around October.

8.14.10

2010-08-14T11:29:00.001-04:00

I love how people think they can talk to me and tell me what I am going to do. Not happening. I love you but I'm 22 and my room is my room, there isn't food containers or cups or anything. Just laundry baskets. Fuck off. Not happening

Enjoy

August 13th, 2010

2010-08-13T12:59:00.003-04:00

So I haven't updated this in a long while but I've come to realize I fucking hate everyone except one person. I just want to lay in bed all day with this person and listen to Freelance Whales and watch terrible movies. Fuck work, fuck bitches, fuck people who are fair weather who only come around when they need something. I'm not your puppet.

Enjoy your life. I'll be using this a lot more.

Nick

Jmorgs?!

2010-07-18T18:49:00.000-04:00

Why the heckkk did Jmorgs delete her blog!!!

July 9th, 2010

2010-07-09T19:04:00.000-04:00

I will keep the bank from calling
I will keep those bastards from you
I will keep your smile from falling
this time the casualties were few
‘Cause we kept the bastards brawling
We kept our hearts from view
This time we’re problem solving

July 7th, 2010

2010-07-07T11:41:00.002-04:00

I feel like my life is at a standstill, like I haven't progressing like everyone. I'm 22 and I still haven't graduated college. I graduated high school in 2006 and I should have graduated in May from college but I obviously didn't. I've been a lot happier since I'm not living with my Dad but I need my life to move forward. Hopefully it will soon.

Nick

Come Home

2010-06-26T09:19:00.000-04:00

Come home come home come home, home to me

June 22, 2010

2010-06-22T11:40:00.002-04:00

I haven't updated in a few days so I figured I would even though no one reads this. Overall I guess I've been "okay" but some days have been worse than others. A few situations are bothering me, one I have complete control over, one I don't and one I just want to go away. I really just want to skip the next few hours until 4. I guess I'll go to my program until 4 and then actually maybe be happy tonight. I feel better since moving in with my aunt Mar but I'm still not "happy" I guess. Home situation has improved so much which takes a lot of weight off of my back. I just need to get my life in order and live, like really live you know and not just go through one day to the next.

Nick

June 16th, 2010

2010-06-16T12:25:00.002-04:00

It's been a pretty shitty week to say the least. I just got back to my Aunt's house from my intake session and I feel like such scum. All they did was reassure me that I'm making the right choice and stuff but I still feel like a total skell and a piece of shit. I feel like people are going to find out and judge me. It scares me to be labeled, to be reduced down to two words and be labeled like that forever. It's going to be hard trusting and opening up to a new set of people that want to help me but I still feel uneasy about it. I always feel like I'm being judged.

I'm losing relationships with people I care about and I play it off like it doesn't bother me but it does. To be so close with someone and then just kind of drift away is painful but it happens to everyone and it is a part of growing up. It's not like it was my only relationship, I do have someone know who gives a shit about me and genuinely cares about me. It's a real nice feeling to wake up in the morning and know that you're on someone's mine. Oh and I've been sleeping the last few nights. Not just laying in the dark and staring, actual sleep with dreams and excitement about a new day. It feels good to be out of that cycle of never sleeping and being like a zombie when it comes to tomorrow.

F for Effort.

2010-06-11T11:46:00.002-04:00

I thought I was being a bigger person in not begging to you to stay. Instead of pleading and kicking and screaming I thought I was being an adult and saying hey, you're right I do suck and this is not the best situation for you. I am in the wrong why would I want to keep you in a situation you hate. I thought I was doing the right thing. Obviously I wasn't. I thought by doing that I was being a good person and giving you an out to a situation that makes you unhappy. I do "care so much" Sometimes you care about someone so much the best thing is to let them go and be happy, even if that is without you. But fuck me right?

June 10th, 2010

2010-06-10T21:35:00.003-04:00

So here I am sitting in the office on the 4th consecutive night in and not being allowed out. Imagine that, 22 years old and told by my Daddy I'm not allowed to go out. That I need to stay home and watch his kids, I get he has a hard time with them but I feel like I am being suffocated with my home life. And ultimatum was just delivered to me and I got all teary eyed but can I blame her? No I can't because it is bullshit. I've only been out twice this month, to Choppy's and then to my cousins graduation party. Thats it. I haven't gone out for me in so long. I'm ruining relationships in my life over this. This is ruining me. The best thing for me is to leave just say "Fuck You" I am outta here but I can't leave. I feel like I would be giving up on my family and disappointing my Mom. I am pretty pathetic, living my life to please someone who is passed away. When are you gonna start living for you, Nick? Stop living for everyone else and live for you. So I will do my best tomorrow to leave this house, not be held down by the constraints of my stepfather and finally live my life with the people I want to be with the most and go the places I want to go the most.

Be Good

2010-06-06T08:54:00.002-04:00

So next weekend isn't going to go as planned. I'm really bummed out about this but I'll still do my best to make it awesome. I'm getting ready to go to church with my family. I never know what to wear. It's important to my sister and my grandparents even though I don't want to get up early since I never sleep anyways. I really don't feel like shaving so I won't even though Sophia doesn't like any facial hair on me. Jaimie is going to SummerJam tonight which leaves me with no one to hang out with so I'm going to Choppy's party. Should be a good time, haven't seen him in a while. This entry sucks so I guess I'll write more later after basketball.

Nick

You'll Never Know

2010-06-05T20:37:00.002-04:00

So I've been working on 2 new songs for my next project I hope. My EP didn't do so hot, maybe 10 people bought it and I gave out a few copies as some freebies. I felt like 3 of the 4 songs on it were some of my better work but I guess people really weren't digging it. I don't think I'll be releasing anything as a set anymore, just free songs since they suck ha. I've been listening to a lot music I would have never given a chance a few months ago and I like it. My music taste has changed so much since I'm 16.

I can't say I'm really happy right now but I think I'm taking some steps in the right direction. Sometimes I wish I had no responsibilities at all and I could go out and do what I wanted whenever but then I guess my responsibilities make me who I am. I don't know I guess I'm just frustrated with my life right now. I thought things were going to get better but since my Dad's accident I'm at home more than ever and I really don't ever leave because there is always something to be done. I hope this job opportunity works out and I'll keep applying places and keep my eyes open. I'm really excited for the end of the week to be here. This weekend has some serious potential to be amazing.

Nick

Hello Alone

2010-06-03T14:41:00.002-04:00

It's so disgusting and humid today. I woke up late this morning and realize Verizon was gonna take $260 out of my bank account today so I checked it online and realize I only had $249 and got all my change together and put it a bad and put on pants and went to TD. The girl who works at TD is such a bitch, I'm sorry you hate your job but suck it up and don't be a bitch to me. You're hot but not hot enough for you to be a bitch and me like it. So I did that and still got home by like 10am and just chilled and watch the rest of season 5 of Weeds on demand with my Dad. I only started watching the show maybe a month ago and it is really good. I didn't think I would like it but I do. True Blood starts up June 13th again which I am definitely stoked for. All the little teaser promos got my really excited for it.

I've been saying "I'm Sorry" a lot lately like usually I guess. I can't help it because I am legitimately sorry every time someone gets upset with me or something is wrong. I guess I can try to change that but I'm not sure. It's who I am, I'll always take the blame if I think it's my fault and usually something is always my fault. I had my job interview at The Sports Authority yesterday morning and it went well. The manager who interviewed me gave me some paper work to bring for drug testing. I'm still deciding if I should go or not. I need to clean up my act enough to get a job but I honestly enjoy what I'm doing. Rereading that is sounds absolutely terrible but I'm sick of always being the go to guy and having no one to turn to myself, you know? I guess I have a lot to think about.

Nick

June 1st, 2010

2010-06-01T15:00:00.005-04:00

I'm in one of those moods today. I'm feeling better about a lot of things and looking forward to the future. I went to the beach yesterday until it raining and had a pretty normal night. My Dad's home from the hospital which is good for him and bad for me ha. I think I'll be spending a lot of time running errands for him. I have a job interview at The Sports Authority in Hazlet tomorrow which I am excited for. How do you dress for an interview at a sporting good store? Do I dress like a gym teacher? If I get this job I will be super pumped because I hear they give a pretty sick discount and I'm looking to upgrade my running sneakers and get some new running gear. I think for the rest of the day I'm going to relax with my family and if everything is cool I'm definitely going to hang out with Jaimie. I hope so. I also cannot believe it is June. It feels like only a month ago I was in the hospital recovering. Time really flies when you are healthy :)

Currently Listening To: Ride - Vapour Trail

Nick

May 30th, 2010

2010-05-30T04:51:00.004-04:00

Right now in this moment, at 4:53am on the last Sunday morning in May I can say that I am happy. I'm not sure how long it will last but I'm going to say what I need to get down in writing or well typing before my mood changes. I'm not in a great place in my life right now if you have read this blog lately. Quite frankly I'm depressed, I probably need some sort of medication for this but I am trying to work through it on my own merits to see if I can, and if I cannot I will gladly seek more help. Tonight I got to sort through a lot of my feelings about something and even though I'm not ecstatic about a certain situation I am in a much better place now with it out in the open. I think we both are. My first instinct was to do a typical Nick guilt trip to make you feel like shit but I quickly thought about it and realized that it would do more harm to you than good for me. If you really love someone you want them to be happy, happy in any aspect of the word. Their happiness isn't up to you, you should be glad for them. I'm not saying this is easy even though it is a long time coming but it is something I can deal with. It's very rare you come by someone in your life who makes you want to become a better person and you should do everything in your power to try to give the same love back. I'm not there quite yet but I'm on my way to becoming someone I am proud to say I almost am. I'm not the best at anything or the best looking but I have loved another with all my heart and that's something a lot of people can't say. Your heart is a big place and even though you may move on and gradually drift apart there is always going to be a place in your heart for the people who have been there for you the most. New people will be added and some subtracted but there is never too much love in you heart. As cheesy and lame as that sounds it's true. I hope I don't make the same mistakes again and just capture all the potential something has in a bottle and never let it get away.
So read this, enjoy, make assumptions about me.

Nicholas

Do You Ever Feel Like Me?

2010-05-28T09:45:00.004-04:00

I really don't know what I want to say but I have a lot to say at the same time. So many feelings I'm trying to sort out but can't find words for. It's a horrible feeling thinking that you are being replaced even though you might not be, but that feeling of it can turn your stomach and prevent you from sleeping and make you sound desperate and sad. I've been feeling like this but I guess it's through my own doing. I guess when you go through so much with one person and then your communication suddenly is less and less it feels like you're not even friends anymore but I guess a lot of "friends" talk less but still not the level you are used too. I don't know it's a hard subject to deal with. The one person you know you can go to with anything is that one person you're losing. Bad situation I guess.

May 27th, 2010

2010-05-27T20:25:00.003-04:00

It's really hard not to think about certain things. By not trying to think about it you end up thinking about it more and more and more and it turns your mood. I haven't been having a great week so far. I finally got my phone back which was a bright spot so hopefully I have the $260 in a week to finish the transaction. Work has been really dragging on, I've been working 10 hours day to catch up on work and I end up hating it. My home situation really isn't going that well but when is it? Last night was just atrocious. I'm learning that not everyone wants to hear everything you're feeling at it is completely understandable. Especially about certain situations.

I thought I had plans for tonight but I guess they fell through because the person they were with made other plans. I kind of was really excited to hang out with someone since I have the house to myself for a little but I guess it wasn't meant to happen today even though it was just to watch the Yankees game. So I guess I'm gonna go now and watch the aforementioned Yankee game and hope they win.

Nick

You Wanted Something More Than This

2010-05-26T11:07:00.002-04:00

I'm on a Ryan Cabrera kick. Ryan Cabrera up until his last release, which I didn't like too much. It's really hot out, it's definitely not suit weather and I'm heading into work after my doctors appointment. I'm not sure why I even made a new post but I'll probably add more later when I get home from working late.

May 24th, 2010

2010-05-24T18:12:00.003-04:00

So work today was really boring. I had a two hour meeting with all the sales people and my boss and my boss' boss. It was probably one of the more boring two hour periods in my life. I felt like I was drowning in boredom and it was actually pretty sad. I'm not great at my job by any stretch but I do have common sense I believe. I guess I can be thankful for that because some people honestly do not have any God given sense of their own person. I wore suspenders to work today. Not the thick ones but not the thin ones, I guess they were the regular ones. I like suspenders a lot actually. Sometimes I think I look pretty decent but other times not so much. I guess everyone is the same way.

I think Eddie and Sal who work at WFAN on the Mike Francesa show have the best jobs besides professional athlete. You get to talk sports all day behind the scenes and work the controls. I love that. I wish I went to school for communications. I actually just wish I was in school. I cannot wait to get paid and pay my phone bill and I think I'm going to go to Sports Authority and get my USA soccer jersey and maybe a track jacket. I also want to get a few yankee shirts and some new running sneakers.

Pure and Simple Heart

2010-05-22T09:22:00.002-04:00

I always try to please everyone and in doing that i always hurt the ones who matter the most to me. I'm such a disappointment. I feel like I let everyone down. I want to forget everything about yesterday. I didn't get paid because I filled out my time sheet wrong which screwed the whole day up. On the way home I hit traffic and that was terrible and it ended up in me getting rear ended by someone who wasn't paying attention. After the cops left I couldn't even call someone to let them know what was going on because my phone being still off. When I finally get home my Dad yells at me in front of my family so I just take a shower and go to bed. I wake up to find I let someone else down and what do I do? I handle it my way instead the way of a normal rational person. I say a lot of stuff I don't mean and it blows up in my face.

I'm just glad yesterday is over so I can't sit at my desk all day today at work. I probably need to go to see a doctor but I won't. I just need to go home in 7 an a half hours and sleep the rest of the night,

Nick

May 20th, 2010

2010-05-20T18:19:00.002-04:00

In my personal opinion, girls with tattoos turn me off. I'm not just saying it's "eh" like it's pretty much almost a deal breaker like I am not attracted to it at all. It just looks trashy and tattoos are permanent unless you're like me and spend $10,000 to get them removed. I just really do not like them at all. But with that being said I'm not gonna tell someone what to do I just wanted to say what I needed to say.

I'm trying to blog everyday and I hope to accomplish that goal. I don't really have much to say. I didn't go to work today I woke up in the middle of the night throwing up and sweating. I think it has to do with my medication but I'm not sure. I'm supposed to be going to the doctor every week for check ups but with work I haven't been going and I'm scared to go back and get yelled at by my doctor. Oh well. I just got home from take Shane to the doctor. He has to go back in a week for some testing with a teacher or something. I love him to death and I just want to help him. He cannot communicate and he gets frustrated and it must be so hard for him in his head to know what he wants and needs and not be able to say "I'm Thirtsty" or "I'm Hungry" or even "I Love You". He needs a lot of help and this day care program is not helping him. They don't keep at him and they sit him in front of a TV and let him watch videos all day when what he needs is someone to teach him to communicate with us. I do my best but I'm not a doctor or a teacher. I just don't want to see him so far behind

Nick

He leans back from his desk..

2010-05-19T11:46:00.003-04:00

I've been meaning to post something everyday but some days I just have nothing to say. I've been going crazy without my phone these last few days. Now I get why it's called a "crack berry". Too bad JMorgs won't know what that's like :) I haven't been sleeping well at all which is funny that I say that now cause I actually slept 4 hours last night into this morning. I came into work at 7:30 am an worked until 11 am with no breaks and it felt really good to be productive. I might stay late today to get all my work done and stuff.

Things with my Dad I guess are getting better. They are far from perfect but we are starting to get each other a little bit better. I've been locked to my computer at work and at home all week because thats the only way people can reach me if they need me. I dont it to be that one time someone actually needs me and not be there. Only 2 more days and this stuff can get straightened out. Hopefully I win the lotto and not have to deal with this again ha.

Nick

Fences.

2010-05-16T17:19:00.004-04:00

I'm a pretty open guy when it comes to certain stuff other stuff is personal and a very few select individuals, well only one, know what I'm talking about. I'm learning that opening yourself to someone is a huge scary thing. I trust you until you fuck me over, not the other way around. In my eyes, everyone can be trusted until they prove you wrong. I think that thing that was mentioned before of only one other person besides myself, won't be shared again. I shouldn't have shared it in the first place but now that it's out there I need to just deal and hope they don't remember it over time.

I went to church with my family this morning and it was nice. We went to mass then had lunch together and went to Holmdel Park and just hung out. I think I got a little bit of color and the bruising on my face is really going away thankfully. I've been putting in a lot of time at work and really giving a strong effort at work. I'm so unmotivated and an underachiever. I had a talk with my Dad about why he treats me the way he does and I think I get it. I'm not really going to get into it until I can fully digest it and sort through it in my brain and have the right words to use to describe it. I need to go to Brookdale as soon as possible to register for classes in the fall and get my life back on track. This week really hit me hard with a lot of my friends at William Paterson and Drew graduating from college. I feel like I'm such a failure. I was supposed to graduate early now if I graduate in 2011 at all I'll be happy. I need to look into the 4 year programs they have at Brookdale and see if my credits transfer so I can get back on the ball and reapply to medical school so I can achieve my goal of becoming a doctor.

Nick.

Just Got To Be

2010-05-14T12:18:00.003-04:00

I'm 3 hours into an 11 hour work day running on almost 2 hours of sleep. As you can tell I'm not a very happy guy but I am happy that I am going out tonight, finally. I believe Adam, Tony, Dave and myself are heading to Park East or maybe Fantasies so get drunk and subjectively look at women. I'm getting sick of wearing a suit and tie everyday. I look like a moron.

I've been listening to The Black Keys a lot. Such a good band. Awesome driving music. Yesterday it took me almost 2 hours to get home from work. In typical Nick fashion I over think a certain situation and it drives me crazy but in reality it's my own fault. I over think things and then I bring it up at the worst times and I ruin things. It was honestly none of my business in the first place. Why do I do the things I do. Why can't I just let things go. I say it to myself all the time that I don't care about things but I do and I shouldn't. Everyone should have a new slate and they do with me like I don't care about anything they did as long as they're a good honest person that is all that matters. I just find myself thinking way too much when it honestly doesn't even concern me. I feel like when express my feelings that I ruin something good. I just need to keep my mouth shut and forget about it because I do care so much and I don't want to screw something up. Easier said than done I guess.

Nick

Aloha

2010-05-12T11:54:00.001-04:00

I'm the only person who reads my blog haha. I'm gonna go to Hawaii to see J & B soon. Aloha

Nick

May 10th, 2010

2010-05-10T13:14:00.004-04:00

Back to work after a week off for the stomach virus. I had 17 messages on my work voicemail and I've returned all calls and made some decent money in sales today. The day is going very slow, but I will probably work through lunch. As much as I don't like work, this is a great company to work for. They are very accommodating for personal needs and such. I have so many back bills to pay that I don't think it will feel like I'm getting paid for ever but when I finally get caught up it will be such good money. I get my commission check in the middle of June for the 6 month period and another one in December which will be good for Christmas. I think I've made something like $6,000 in commission so far which is pretty good for a month of work but I know it could be better. I've been getting lucky and I think I'm finally getting the hang of it.

On a less awesome note, things at home haven't been going well at all. I think work is going to be my escape from home instead of my home being an escape from work. I feel like at work I can relax and let my guard down and just not worry about so much stuff, while at home I have so many responsibilities and I really can't ever relax. Yesterday was Mother's Day, the third one without my Mom. It gets a little easier every year but it still not the greatest day for me. I go out and see her and then I try to not think about it the rest of the day and do something for myself to take my mind off of it. It is good to see a lot of my friends and people I'm close with appreciate the day and do even something little for their mom's.

Tomorrow my EP "Dear Madeline" will be officially available for $5. It's almost a relief that "it's" almost over. I hope I didn't hype it too much and I don't want it to be a let down.

Nick

So Impossible

2010-05-06T21:49:00.003-04:00

I'm not having a good day at all. It seems like everything that has been bothering me lately came to a head today. I'm not sure if me being sick had anything to do with it but I'm just an emotional wreck today. I feel like my life has been revolving around "So Impossible" by Dashboard Confessional. As I grow older I feel like I'm emotionally shrinking. My Dad is truly unbearable sometimes. I feel like I have so much to say and I don't know the words too.

Nicholas

May 4th, 2010

2010-05-04T16:14:00.003-04:00

I finished mixing my EP and I'm happy with the way it sounds. Some of the songs I am extremely bored with because I wrote them so long ago but I felt like they needed to be properly recorded and officially released for people to hear because they are pretty decent songs. I send Jaimie Alyssa and Eric the full cd and they both like it. So hopefully I'll get a positive response when I release it next week. I have a lot of anxiety over it. I'm not sure why because it's not like any of the songs are deep in anyway. There all kind of just fun pop songs for summer time.

I definitely have the stomach virus. I left work yesterday and called out sick today. I haven't stopped throwing up. It's really killing my abs because the muscles get so tight but I don't know maybe it'll make them look better? Hopefully I feel better by tomorrow because I'm not making any money staying home and I really need a paycheck. Who knows when this will go away.

Nick

Hey Hey Hey Mr. Hangman

2010-04-30T11:25:00.004-04:00

Today is not going so well so far. I'm hoping it gets better but I'm not sure it will. I got no sleep last night and was up at 6 this morning. Thank God today is semi-casual Friday because I had no clean suits to wear so I guess I lucked out. I chose to go with Khaki pants and a nice polo. It's a pretty nice day out but I won't be enjoying it. I get paid today, my first check. I think I'm gonna buy some new sneakers and maybe a hat or two. I haven't had any money in a long time and my daily living expenses have been going on my credit card which I have no idea how I am going to pay. Today is Rutgersfest and Brand New is playing. I want to go but I'm really not in the mood to be around a bunch of douche bags. I am having a lot of feelings I need to sort through I guess.

This weekend should be nice though. Tomorrow I have my cousin's communion in south jersey with my family. I love spending time down there it's like a nice escape from my life for a few hours and I really love my cousins. They are good kids. Sunday I am running The Long Island Half Marathon in well Long Island. Anyone who I invited is busy so I guess I'm just gonna run it and come home. It is whatever I suppose

Enjoy The Fall

2010-04-26T22:10:00.002-04:00

I had a nice enjoyable weekend away. I really got to clear my head. The drive up was really nice even though my Dad and I don't agree on the best way to go. I got to meet a lot of new family and I feel like my heart grew to make room for all these new people. Saturday was really cool. I checked out OHfest, good friends and good music. I drank entirely too much alcohol and with my diabetes that is no good. I made a choice for myself that I am going to make an extreme effort to take care of myself more. I've been realizing that I want to be around for a long time for a few people and I need to make smarter choices to ensure that. I feel like I've cheated death a few times in my life and I am stupid to think I am invincible. So with that, two days with no alcohol. I don't think I am going to quit drinking entirely but I will not be drinking everday and I will do things in moderation. I really need to get to bed because I go back to work tomorrow. Goodnight.

"Dear Madeline", my EP is out May 11th. Make sure to ask me about how to get one!!

Nick

Someone Like Me

2010-04-22T09:20:00.003-04:00

I feel like I'm back in the blogging zone. I'm trying to do it every day to really de-stress myself. It is pretty much my only outlet, I don't feel like I can explain everything I'm feeling to one or two people. I feel like you can describe me as an onion. There is the way I present myself and come off, the way people perceive me but there are so many layers to myself that people have no clue about. People just assume I'm one way, for example everything things I'm a player and a cheater because I "talk" to so many girls but in fact when I am "with" a girl or "talking" to a girl I don't "talk" to other girls in the same way. Am I going to abandon my friends who are girls? No absolutely not but I'm not gonna line up my options for when we don't work out. If I am with someone, I'm happy and if I wasn't I would get myself out of that situation.

I'm also a sensitive guy. If you say something I can play it off like it doesn't bother me but I get quiet and I stew and think about it for hours and don't talk to anyone and then I kind of boil over. It's not that I think things done a certain way, I don't. I try to respect other peoples feelings, I'm not perfect I'm far from it but there is only so much you can care about other people before you start caring about yourself. Sometimes I feel like I have the emotions of a 5 year old girl. I just can't handle things sometimes. My life isn't that bad or my life isn't that hard. Sure I've gone through some things in my life that can test you and try you as a person but honestly, who hasn't? I'm don't think I need special recognition or special care from anyone. Just treat me fairly and even if you don't I will still treat you fairly.

I'm going to try really hard at work to sell stuff. I need to prove that I am capable of this job and I am looking forward to proving myself.

Nick

Dime a Dozen

2010-04-21T09:39:00.002-04:00

Another morning in the office and I can't stop stretching. I'm not sure why I've been up since 5:45 am, I thought I was all stretched out. I never feel like I look good but I always get complimented everyday. I'm not sure what these ladies see but I hope to see it soon myself. I shaved my awesome beard this morning which I wasn't too happy about doing but I felt like I was hiding under it. I feel it is like wearing a hood when your sad, to hide your emotions. I wish I could wear a hood at work so I can sleep on my desk or not have to hear "Nick you look sad all day". I'm not completely sure what is wrong with me lately. I feel like my relationships are in a good place, except the one with my Dad but I haven't talked to him in a while so.

I've been listening to songs I wrote like 6 months ago, a lot. Stuff like "Make Believe" and "Cliche Lover". For being in such a shitty place in my life, those songs are so upbeat and happy and loving and I do not know where it came from. I would expect myself to write like that now but 6 months ago not at all. All the songs on my new cd are kinda old as well. Stuff I wrote a while ago. It's funny like "new music" is only knew to the people listening. To the guy or girl writing it it's month old sometimes even years. It's crazy, by the time I actually put out an album, I'm so sick of the songs I don't want to play them live and I only wanna play new stuff that no one has heard that I wrote last night.

Nick

Oh and my EP "Dear Madeline" comes out May 11th!!!

Life Takes Hold Of You

2010-04-19T11:00:00.003-04:00

What a beautiful Monday morning. I don't really mind being at work. I've actually gotten some work done and it just turned 11 am. I think I am finally starting to "get it". Last night all the guys in my family went out to celebrate little Luke turning 18. So where do you go when a guy turned 18? A gentlemen's club of course. I will use the term gentlemen's club very loosely because it was far from any real gentlemen going there haha. We were going to head of Fantasies in Keyport but we decided against it and went to this place in Carteret. Fantasies would probably have been the smart choice. The dancers at this club were less than sexy and I actually kind of felt bad for them. I didn't get any dances although I probably could have used one. I'm in a place in my life where I don't want that from any girl, I would like it from someone specific. Does that make me sound gay? Probably, do I care? Not in the least bit.

I feel like I'm almost at a crossroad in my life, a fork of some sorts. Part of me wants to continue the way I am not really giving second thought to my actions or really caring about anything. The other half of me really wants to give the best of myself to someone else. I realized a few days ago that I'm in deeper than I ever thought and it scares me but it is also so exciting. It's crazy how one person can change your outlook on a lot of things. It's cool when actually someone gets you and gets what you're all about and all the bad stuff? It doesn't matter to them. I am grateful for this.

Nick

And If You're Wanting The Truth Honey

2010-04-17T10:51:00.003-04:00

The title of the blog entry is almost as important and the contents of the blog itself. It sets the whole mood. No one wants to a read a blog called "My Day 233". It has to catch your eye, almost like the title of a song. But anyways, while I sort through my head for a title I'll continue with the blog. I'm really digging this band called "Lovedrug". I only have 3 songs by them but I find my self tapping the beat and humming the lyrics when I'm all alone. "We Were Owls" is probably my favorite effort by them The singers voice is something I've never heard before. I suggest you check them out

My stepdad just turned 45 last week. I think he is going through his mid-life crisis, he has trouble paying the bills but go buys a brand new just off the line BMW 335i. What was he thinking? I don't know sometimes I think I have more sense and I am more suited to be a father and husband and he is more suited to be 22 with a drinking problem and exciting new things happening for him. He stresses me out to no end, its 11 am and have already been in a fight because I wasn't out of bed early enough. Sometimes I was my fish in his little tank with his little army men and could just be left alone all day. Not bothered or talked too by anyone and just float around in my own little niche, my own little role in the world.

I feel like I come off as a dick sometimes. I don't mean too but when I fight with a girl I get so defense and I curse a ton even though I wouldn't dare curse in front of her any other time let alone curse at her. I feel like this is something I need to work on. I need to work on a lot of myself. I am far from perfect, I don't want to be perfect but I don't want to be like how I am. I need to grow emotionally still. I feel as if I have grown a lot in the past 3-5 years. A lot has happened and I had to grow quicker than I wanted too and I feel like now, at 22, I'm almost rebeling at growing emotionally. I feel like I've stunted myself into the foxhole and a shell of who people expect me and want me to be. I don't know.

The "Good" Life

2010-04-16T11:35:00.003-04:00

Here I am sitting at work not doing anything like usual. It's getting to the point where I don't even really care anymore. I don't want my Aunt to look bad for getting me this job and vouching for me but I'm in a place in my life where work is the last thing on my mind. Do I need this job? Yes, desperately. Why? My Dad is pretty much going to throw me out. I can just feel it. Never mind the fact that I gave him 90% of the money from my townhouse when I sold it because honestly, there is no way he can afford the house we live in on his own. I gave him $500 out of the $700 checks I was receiving, but for what? I'm in more debt than he is. I have Direct Loans up my ass, Verizon is going to shut of my cell phone, my uncle wants payments on the Camaro which he helped me buy and I can't do all of that on $200 after I buy all my own groceries. I know I sound like a big baby and that I'm bitching but I really need to move out. Adam and myself are looking for a place just north of the shore, kind of by the Meadowlands but I love where I live. I love Middletown and the surrounding areas. I love going to Holmdel park and running or Ocean Ave and looking at girls wearing nothing. Asbury Park and Ocean Grove are 10 minutes from here. Why would I willingly leave? I just need to get myself in a better situation so I can be happy. Other aspect of my life are great except for my home situation. I'm excited about new things happening and mending old relationship.s I feel like I'm in a good place in my life except for the stress at work and my home situation. I'm also thinking about getting a second job at night probably being a waiter so I can make extra money since I haven't gotten paid yet. I don't know I have a lot of thinking to do and I need to get some work done.

Nick

Didn't See It Coming

2010-04-12T12:09:00.003-04:00

New possibilities are opening up for me musically. I'm trying to drift from the music I've been creating lately because honestly, it's not what I like. I want to get back to a point where making music is fun for me again. Lost Conversation days. Making music with my best friends and playing shows and having a brotherhood. I'm sitting here at work listening to all these songs I wrote from 13-19 with my best friends and reliving those memories. Playing a show with 15 people there and going to Friendly's after and signing hoodies of girls I never met. I don't want music to be my life but I want it to be a part of my life where I can escape to and expand my feelings and thoughts. I feel like right now there is so much pressure put on me by people who enjoy my music. Don't get me wrong, I love the fact that people enjoy words that I write. It scares me in a good way that they can connect with the words I write and they get stuck in their heads and written on notebooks and binders during class in school. I used to do that with Brand New and The Early November and for me to have that effect on someone else blows my mind. I don't know, it all catches up to me sometimes. My new EP, still untitled will be released in early May. It will be 4 or 5 songs. I'm working on the artwork now and the thank you's. Any name suggestions?

Nicholas

Long Way To Go

2010-04-11T19:41:00.003-04:00

Well the Rangers lost. Of course, I felt it coming. I will be listening to Neutral Milk Hotel and Archers of Loaf because I will be in a deep depression. I won't get into my rant about how shoot outs shouldn't decide games especially for play off seeding or play off berths. I'll keep it at that.

I made myself a burger on the grill. I enjoy eating alone sometimes. I'm constantly around other people and it's good to be alone at times. I really need it for my sanity. I love my family but sometimes I cannot handle them at all. I just want to be 22 and live the life I want to live. It's nice that people can count on you but I feel it is too much of my responsibility and I cannot handle it all and be happy and the same time and further my life for the better. I'll finally be getting a pay check next friday I think.

Currently Listening To: Limbeck - Albatros and Ivy

My Sweet Fracture

2010-04-10T18:16:00.004-04:00

I am really enjoying my day off. I legitimately appreciate the weekend now that that I work 9-5. Today is definitely a "Saves The Day" type of day. Absolutely beautiful day outside. My Dad has work again 12am-4pm so it'll be nice to be pretty much left alone all night. It sucks that he works like a dog but the time apart will be better for our relationship in the future. I wish I had the writing ability of Chris Connelly. I went bowling today with my cousins. It was pretty fun, I am a terrible bowler. Absolutely horrendous.

Things are looking up. I get paid soon. I need money. I haven't paid my phone bill since, well in forever. Thank you Verizon Wireless for being so kind in these pay less times for me. I think I would go crazy without my Blackberry. On another note I want to move back to Hazlet. I like it so much more than Middletown.

Nicholas